it’s like the thing that wouldn’t shut upPosted: May 18, 2005
huh. I thought I wrote yesterday. guess not.
right now the best song is “city love” off john mayer’s room for squares. the guitar solo in there…perfect. and the whole thing is the right rhythm, it makes me want to just…drive. and talk. I am in a very I-miss-jarom mood these days, not exactly mushy mopey, but more…I want to talk to him, have a real conversation, and guess what guess what guess what I get one so soon!! hopefully. although I took a nap earlier and in my dream I’d gone to utah to visit ryan, and byu campus was all weird, kinda like the default “campus” that appears in my dreams, so I was going across campus to try finding his new house, but stumbled (literally) across this guy lying on a roof. why either of us were on the roof, I’m not sure. but he knew who I was, somehow, and we had a nice romance, being cuddly and adorable and he was awesome. I don’t think I ever got to ryan’s. then mick jr called and woke me up, why why why must he always do that? so the dream ended, and now I even miss the dream guy. maybe real life will be better though. talked to seestur earlier, and she said she and q will definitely come to the homecoming with me and would like to get together, all four of us. eee.
so that was a good ramble. there’s more to come, don’t worry. yesterday at work I was talking to mick sr and I showed him all my little animals, the fox and the frog and austin and max and behold the mikabird, and he said, “you have all these hidden talents. we should have you join us in our marketing meetings.” I told him he probably didn’t want me doing that; I’m very opinionated. I’ve seen the stuff they’re coming up with and I don’t like it at all. but it isn’t my concern, I know nothing about marketing, I just have opinions. well, he had me come in to the meeting today despite my protests, and I sat and listened for about 20 minutes. they’re working on postcards to send to the california schools to scan student records. there’s a bunch of text on one side, and mick sr turned to me and asked how it looked from an editing standpoint. I said, “well, it’s gramatically sound…” and kinda left it hanging. tim thought that was funny; at least someone did. so mick asked what I thought of it otherwise, and I figured, well, I warned him…so I let loose with all this stuff about how the font was distracting and the wording was vague and confusing and the marketing scheme was illogical. it was so incredibly cathartic. but unfortunately, it means I have to go back into the marketing meetings. I don’t want to. someone asked my opinion and I gave it, but I’m not interested in the process. just opinionated about it. isn’t there a big difference? and don’t I have plenty of other things to get done?
anyway. last night this whole marketing issue turned into an unpleasant scene with ryan. we were talking online and I was saying that I don’t want to go into the meetings, because basically I think their approach sucks. he said, “oh that’s rational, you don’t want to do it because you could make it better. good thinking. keep it up.” I tried explaining what I meant, he just kept being sarcastic, to the point where I was in tears and feeling miserable. part of it is because ryan is not usually so harsh unless he’s really upset with me, but mainly it’s due to the fact that it reminds me a little too much of the times jarom made me cry. he didn’t seem to be able to gauge how much sarcasm I could handle, or how much bantering I’d take before it got to be belittling. but ryan says he didn’t mean to make me feel bad, he was just trying to point out that I don’t think very rationally sometimes. which is true.
so I’ve been playing “what if” lately. what if jarom had said something or done something before he left, or even after ryan and I broke up and in the ensuing months, to let me know how he felt? I’m sure if I brought it up with him (after he’s home) he’d say he did tell me, in his way. probably the ring he gave me would be a good argument. and at the time I did briefly consider that a ring might carry all the meaning one can attribute to a ring, but discarded the idea. after all, it was jarom, and he’d stopped liking me more than a year earlier. he already gave me up. and he’d told me in february of 2003 that I (or, our relationship) was too much for him to handle while he was getting ready for his mission. granted, he took that statement back through his actions, but not verbally, and so his actions didn’t make sense. maybe he thought I’m more perceptive than I really am, and that I would understand what he was trying to tell me. but I sure as heck didn’t. if I had understood…what would I have done? would it have made me even angrier? why oh why did we not talk things out? I’ve come to realize that aside from having hours upon hours of discussion over the real issues, the only other thing that could’ve mended our relationship (as friends, if nothing else) would have been to pray together. I really really wish we had thought of that. but…things have worked out despite that. makes you wonder why it took me so long to figure out that making mistakes doesn’t mean the end of the world, when I have so many examples right in front of me. yeah. brilliant, mika.
do you think that’s a long enough ramble? hmm, you’re right, probably needs a bit more.
my allergies have been terrible lately. I just step outside and I feel sneezes coming all over (ew, kinda gross mental image huh) and it makes my headaches awful. but oh well. last night I went in to eat some strawberries and cream, and it was almost bedtime and I needed to relax, so I brought the phantom tollbooth with me. what a great book. man. you know, I think I’ll go read that now.