…today wasn’t bad, wasn’t very eventful either. I got frustrated a bit at work, but when I came home I had a very long existential nap (do I even know what I’m saying there?) and then watched movies. most of 3 men and a little lady and part of great expectations. then I got caught up in reading harry potter book 6 theories, and that meant I had to look up some stuff in book 2, and that made me pull out book 4 to find something, and I ended up reading the whole thing. ok, not the whole thing, I did skip a few chapters. it was good times, though. I wish I had my own copy of book 5 lying around here somewhere; it’d be the perfect thing for this weekend.
for no reason at all, I feel like I need to have a good cry. I think I’m just exhausted from the week and from all the overflowing effervescent joy I had yesterday. it’s calmed down a lot by now, I’m still just as euphoric, but quietly.
today’s impossible (ok…improbable) daydream was that the first friday when jarom is back, or heck even thursday, anytime before the homecoming, he’ll show up at work with flowers. haha I’m so completely off my rocker on this thing, this whole situation. but it would be dreadfully fun. of course I’m more than content with just seeing him at the homecoming and maybe I don’t even get a chance to talk for very long, which is probably what will happen, but I do so enjoy these best case scenarios. usually I do worst case, so it’s a nice change.
late. hoping ryan will call to talk, even though it’s so late. last night we did random readings and I read the velveteen rabbit to him. my throat was killing me, I haven’t read out loud in a while, but I liked sharing the story.
I need to go have some dreams. maybe I can dream these feelings out instead of crying them out. it’s been ages since I had a decent cry, which is fine by me, I don’t mind being tear-free. except I think it’s really just a part of my personality, and that’s how I deal with life sometimes. some people work out or go jogging or watch gory movies to get everything out, so I think it’s ok if I cry to accomplish the same purpose. besides, it can be awfully endearing, and sometimes it even lets me be mikacuddled. at any rate, no mikacuddling tonight; I am going to bed.
– a puppy. actually, siberia fills in quite well. but I would like a squirmy cuddly adorable puppy, too.
– um…um…dinner? pizza sounds so good. or chicken noodle soup and those good rolls. or almond chicken salad. or beef stroganoff. actually anything.
– a trampoline. just temporarily.
– the power to be like mary poppins and “snap! the job’s a game!” make my room clean. quickly.
– somebody to listen to me be all giddy and mushy and smitten and sighing.
10. plant and care for a garden – minimum 1 year
11. read the standard works in a year
12. get a telescope (and learn to use it properly)
13. cook a five-course meal
yeah, life is good. dunno why. why not, I guess? the sun is shining, but there are nice white fluffy clouds with a touch of grey, wind blowing, green leaves everywhere. today when I looked out my window I suddenly realized the tree in the backyard has gotten all its leaves. can’t believe I didn’t notice before! although my curtains have been closed, almost an excuse huh?
right now I’m so, so excited for jarom to come home. yeah I know, stop talking about it honestly, but I can’t! this is my journal anyway, I’ll talk about it all I want. anyway I’m not nervous at all, not at the moment at least, though I’m sure when I wake up that morning I will be. when I talked to seestur the other day she said she thinks he’ll come see me before the homecoming, or call me, or something. of course I hope he does. I hope he shows up at my house and I happen to be looking GORGEOUS and we go out for a drive, or ice cream, or over to his house or something, or he calls and says “it is so good to talk to you, let’s do something, please come over right this very minute I can’t wait a second longer,” because that would be absolutely glorious. glorious, there’s a good adjective. I feel like jumping around right now, I’ve got all this smile-ness inside, and no matter how much I try smiling it out there’s more, like my heart is singing. I sound so very smarmy right now. but that’s how I feel! such a beautiful feeling! this is the same thing as listening to that piece from swan lake, and I always say that’s my heart singing, because the english language has no better way of phrasing it. actually I have to wonder if any human language can say it, or is it too intense and intimate of a thing to put into words? hmm.
gaa I can hardly wait. this is so much better than being panicked and nervous and “what if everything goes wrong and he thinks I’m an idiot and a jerk and a hag” although I doubt he would do that. I am definitely not a hag, and saying that does not make me conceited. it’s called self-confidence and I hope I have enough to carry me through this. I was indexing at work today and fell into daydreaming, and had this insane flash of wondering what would happen if the first time I see him is at the homecoming and after sacrament meeting we’re talking (the four of us, I mean also seestur and q) and he wants to talk to me alone for a bit and proposes! okay now in terms of unlikely, I think that’s way way way towards the top. (passionately kissing me takes first place though. no matter whether it’s at the homecoming or somewhere else.) but it gave me butterflies and caterpillars and shooting stars not just in my stomach, but everywhere. my heart fluttered crazily and I almost said “YES!!!” out loud to his imagined and improbable question. that would’ve been great to explain huh? oh man. I wish I had a trampoline. that might be the perfect thing for a time like this. and I keep blushing, what the heck? weird, weird. four weeks four weeks four weeks! can you believe it’s so soon, I knew it would start going much faster, the last month has positively FLOWN by.
so? what do you think will happen? I would like for him to call, let’s see he leaves korea on the 14th or 15th which is half a day ahead of here and it will take about half a day to fly back, and then he’ll sleep for a day, which puts us at the 17th-ish? ish? sooner would be better, I think, because I’m so excited I can hardly sit still. so maybe there will be an open house — ooh it will be on the weekend, and I will go and be social and see him!! [insert giddy noises that I don’t know how to type] or maybe he’ll call and ask if he can come by, wait his driver’s license probably expired already. so maybe he’ll call and ask me to come over, and I’ll have the hardest time waiting at the stop lights and my stomach will be like a blizzard, but warmer. (the analogy makes so much sense to me — it’s not even funny.) and all his family would be there, will I get a handshake or just a smile or a HUG? a fantastic spectacular fireworks hug? I wouldn’t even mind being the center of attention for a minute or two, “look everyone it’s the girl jarom wants to marry,” except no one says it, they just feel it instinctively. look at the way his eyes light up when she smiles. they’re smitten.
SMITTEN! I am so smitten. and giddy. I’m going to go wash dishes right now and daydream some more. don’t try telling me to make the daydreams more realistic, because I like them my way. so there!
the most wkiskiztish wkiskizt there ever was