“now — be warned! it is my job to arm you against the foulest [creature] known to wizardkind! you may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room. … all I ask is that you remain calm. … I must ask you not to scream. it might provoke [her].”
I crave meat. charred animal flesh. like…a hire’s big h. or maybe a giant heimburger from dave’s.
and of course, to give credit where credit’s due, that was an excerpt from harry potter & the chamber of secrets by j.k. rowling, p.101. the movie says just about the same thing, but don’t be deceived, I was quoting from the book.
have you ever seen the movie help! starring the beatles? it’s a good one, although if you don’t like the beatles you probably wouldn’t enjoy the movie. anyhow, there’re these weird cultist people from…india? it wasn’t ever clear about where they were from. and they needed to get back their sacrificial ring that the girl who was supposed to be sacrificed next sent to ringo, and everytime they say “beatles” it’s pronounced like “be attles.” but quickly. sounds kinda russian almost. actually, just about any foreign accent would do.
then there are great parts like “go…to…the window! go…to…the window!” well, maybe it’s only funny if you’ve seen the movie and have some clue what I’m talking about.
so the point is, I threw together a beatles cd last night to put in my car, and it was wonderful on my way to work this morning. but, as luck would have it, only the first 3 songs copied correctly. after that they’re garbled and they skip a lot. I know it isn’t the cd player in the car, ’cause I tried it on a discman too. if I can make a new copy, though, it’ll be fabulous.
discovered something today: I don’t want to have all the getting-into-a-relationship excitement and uncertainty and finding out all sorts of interesting stuff about the other person, and the energy that goes into all of that. I just want jarom. I’ve already put so much energy into the strange relationship I have with him, and all I want to do is have him come home and move forward…I like this strange thing we’ve got going, ’cause I think he must like me, and it’s nice to be liked. mwahaha mika is liked. and maybe even loved. ee! this is plenty exciting for me. countdown is still 2 months, time enough to grow my hair longer and paint my room and sell gabe and get some more money in my bank account. and be awesomer.
I am so bony. what on earth is wrong? I swear my wrist was not this grotesquely thin yesterday. it worries me a little. maybe I’ll ask someone if I’m usually so skinny. and they’ll say yes, and I’ll think, why the heck do people let me walk around all icky like this, with emaciated limbs…but then I’ll remember that my legs don’t look emaciated, and my hips definitely don’t, not with that extra flabbage that showed up after I moved back home. just my arms are gross. euhl.
I’m dreamy romantic right now. which was pretty obvious, except the sidetrack about scrawny wrists. isn’t it wonderful to be in a good mood again? last night was exhausting in every way; kendy had a major obsessive episode while the parents were out, and it really kinda freaked me out. I was on my way into the kitchen and I heard her, sounding like she was having a nightmare, so I went to wake her up. but she was awake, and I sat on her bed to try calming her down, but after a minute she started talking to herself, jabbering and referring to me as if I weren’t there. I had no idea what to do and it seemed so psychotic, her going on like that, and I was scared. I didn’t know if she was even the slightest bit rational and if either of us were safe, physically. so I called the parents, who were on their way home from vacaville. my dad said there isn’t anything I can do when she starts obsessing, that she won’t hurt herself or anyone else, and eventually she’ll tire herself out and fall asleep.
that was another big sidetrack from dreamy romantic, huh? what I was getting at, though, was that despite being angry and scared and mopy yesterday, here I am again at mika standard emotion, or what ought to be standard. I have no cynicism at the moment, but I hereby permit such to be a part of the standard. otherwise I’ll never survive. completely optimistic all the time? not likely.
and now, as lunch break is over, I’m going to go be attle some more.
“I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello…”
p.s. update: mail came. letter did not. car registration did. car registration is only valid until october, stupid finks. (should read harriet the spy sometime soon.) I can see a bag of pistachios sitting by my bed, beckoning. oh crap, gotta get more pistachios to send ryan, and all the other stuff for the package. gotta mail it friday. mwahaha, no work on friday…not like I didn’t make up for it yesterday and today, but, meh.
I got angry today. honestly and truly angry, like I haven’t been since december. it’s never a good thing, I know, and I hate that I allow myself to get angry. or stay angry. I also hate being upset with someone as dear to me as ryan; I seldom have reason to be upset with him, and I don’t know that I can say I really did today.
the thing is, though, I’m not angry with him now — I mean that the anger I felt was directed at him in the past. historical anger? is that a ridiculously abstract concept? it’s the only term I can think of for it. anyhow, for a brief moment my historical anger flashed forward, and something I shouldn’t have said slipped out of my mouth.
for a long time I’ve been hurt by the fact that ryan jerked me around so much after we broke up. of course at the time it didn’t seem like he was doing that; we both wanted to spend time with each other, we were such good friends, right? over the summer after freshman year I remember telling him that I wasn’t sure if the last time I’d seen him he kissed me because I was me, or because I was a girl there to kiss. he replied that if I was there in front of him he’d have a hard time not kissing me. I thought it was a great answer, but later I figured out he didn’t answer the question. not the real question, at least. and it’s the same question that’s pestered me these past two years. I know exactly why I kept letting him be so important to me and letting him act the way he did towards me: I was still in love, and I wanted him back. part of me was convinced that he wouldn’t behave that way towards me if he didn’t also want me back. I trusted him.
the problem is that I think he abused that trust. and it may not have been intentional, and he may have rationalized any doubts he had about whether or not it would hurt me. but from where I am now, I look back and see very little to make me think he was trying to heal the heart he broke.
I explained much of this to ryan this afternoon, and he seemed like he understood. I guess I was expecting an apology. of some sort, of any sort, something that made it sound like he was sorry for hurting me. he thanked me for apologizing. but maybe he’s still upset with me, and not ready to be sorry, if he even thinks he needs to be sorry.
another weird thing — when I think of ryan back then, I have a hard time connecting him with the ryan I’m best friends with now. I know they’re the same person, but in a way, to me they’re not. maybe because I feel like such a completely different person now from who I was then; but ryan two years ago is vague and faceless. not the ryan who sings me bedtime songs and gets excited for twelve-pound tuesday.
a few weeks ago I stopped trusting him, ryan-now, for about 10 minutes. I hated it, and decided even if it was illogical I was going to trust him completely again. always. if for no other reason than because I need to put my faith in someone wholeheartedly, and believe that they’re good. today has gone all downhill, but I’m turning it around right now. I’m done being angry. I’m done distrusting ryan, historically or currently. I’m done letting the past ruin something as good as I’ve got going with him.
in 12th grade jarom and I got in a fight. (ha, understatement. we got in so many fights I don’t think there’s a number that big.) it was about something really stupid, like I didn’t remind him that an essay was due that day, so he hadn’t done it, and it was my fault. of course I thought there was no reason for him to be upset with me. so I got angry and defensive, and we were both too stubborn to talk reasonably. I wrote a short journal entry during 3rd period about how awful I felt — I hated being in a fight with him. so during lunch I apologized and made up, even though I still didn’t see why I should be sorry that he couldn’t keep track of his assignments. but having things mended between us was important enough to be sorry whether I needed to be sorry or not.
I want to mend things between ryan and I. obviously I’d prefer to have him meet me halfway, help me fix things. jarom just accepted my apology, and at first that made me angry all over again. but I had to remind myself then, and I’m having to do it now, that I care enough about this person to move on without getting the response I want. without my feelings being fixed by him. I’ll have to feel better my own way.
catharsis is an excellent way.
that is all.
p.s. that is not quite all. it just occurred to me that maybe ryan treats this so lightly because he’s already moved past it. I apologized, he forgot the whole thing. and maybe he expects me to forgive and forget just as easily. in terms of one-or-one-thousand, he’s a thousand good and one bad. one bad in the distant past, even. not something new. so why should I let it affect how I feel towards him then or now? I’m completely exhausted at this point from yelling and fuming and crying (all of which were, by the way, exquisitely cathartic), and ready to let the one thousand take over. I haven’t got the energy or the desire to crusade for the one.
and so, ryan, I hope your date went well. you deserve someone to make you smile.