post from utah, 1 of 2

and finally it all makes sense. I’m beginning to think of myself as an ogre (or an onion), with layers. there’s always another level of issues and questions to be resolved once I think I’ve got it figured out.

I knew a big reason I’m scared of having jarom come home is that I might not be what he’s expecting. last night it occurred to me that I’m equally — or more — afraid that he won’t be what I’m expecting. he won’t be what I need and at the end of it all, I’ll still be lonely.

on the drive up to logan, though, I went a level deeper. the furthest I can see in my life right now is jarom coming home and seeing how things go for us. after that — what? no matter how it turns out, I have no plan.

I don’t know where I want my life to go.