post from utah, 2 of 2

I’ve always had a plan. no matter how vague, no matter how much it had changed from the previous week, I had some sort of outline for my future. when did that change? how did I get to this point? I guess it was when I decided to leave byu. the “plan” then was to come home for a while. I purposely didn’t put a real timeframe on it, on how long it would be until I came back to utah. it was uncertain because I was. I didn’t know what would happen after that. and I still don’t.

if things work out with jarom, I do at least have a vague idea of the next two or three years — I’ll be in utah again. that’s the most I can pin down. if things don’t work out with him, then what? I made a commitment to this job until at least next january, so that means staying in fairfield. I have to get a life if I’m going to do that. otherwise I’ll be lonely and probably a little heartbroken about jarom, and I just can’t sit at home like that. nothing would ever change.

so that’s what I want to know — where are the forks in the road ahead? where is there even the slightest twist or turn, taking me in a different direction?