restless

“I just can’t stand bein’ alone…
gonna have to change that someday.
there’s a restless feelin’ in my bones and I know
that at times, it just won’t go away…”
-alison krauss & union station

earlier I read duchess’ blog — these people I know only through the 100 hour board, I read their blogs sometimes because novel concept mentions them frequently, and links to them — and a few days ago she brought up a lot of the same feelings I’ve had lately. and novel made a comment that said the magic word…restless. I feel lonely and restless. I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to have something different. probably that’s part of why I bought the car; not because I want to drive far, but because it’s a change. it sets one day apart from another.

I watched groundhog day tonight. I suppose that should sort of inspire me, that if I’m having to live through days that are all the same, I ought to be improving myself. acquiring new skills. becoming the person I want to be. well, of course — that’s what life is, whether every day is exciting or blah. but it feels like I can’t change. like I need outside change before I can have inside change. I’ve never understood this part of my thinking process — even when I know an idea is irrational, like the idea that I need outside change before inside, I still believe it. listen to this: “mika, there’s plenty of proof that you can change the way you are without changing the way everything else is.” logic. and yet here’s my mental response: “but, mika, you can’t. other people can. maybe you could in the past. but right now, it ain’t gonna work.”

there’s also the overarching problem. I don’t believe in my pirate captain. or in my cowboy, or my prince, or even my best friend. it’s too much to expect, and I won’t lower my expectations. so, at least temporarily, I’ve accepted my seemingly inevitable fate as miss mika forever. never mrs. somebody. at work the question has been brought up a lot recently, “are you going to be staying around here for a while?” the implication is that I might get married

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sorry for the cutoff. twenty minutes later I wrapped up the entry and clicked “publish post,” at which point I got a message about an internal error. I tried going back but the rest of the blog had been lost somewhere in cyberspace, and I have no desire to try rewriting it. wasn’t really interesting, anyway, just rambling more about marriage and blah blah blah blah blah my water? the only interesting thing was an update about my new car, and the surrounding drama. the truth is that there is no surrounding drama. my dad hasn’t said anything about the car, except to tell my mom we needed to call our insurance company to get it covered, and my mom offered to go pick up my old car from antioch tomorrow. perhaps they’re going to let me learn from this “mistake,” if it turns out to be such. hmm. we’ll see.

crime and punishment

I bought it. the parents are not happy. well, my mom is the only one home right now. “I wish you had talked to us about this first,” she said. “the engine in your old car has just been fixed. we know it’s good.” I reminded her that she said I was welcome to sell that car. “yeah, well, I thought you would discuss it first,” was her reply.

yeah, well…I wish they had discussed my car with me first, too. remember that one time, when the car died, and it cost a lot of money to fix? I’m more than happy to concede that having the car fixed means it can be sold, which is good. but the whole not asking me thing. it just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve had some long talks with mick sr recently, and I absolutely am not letting him “replace” my parents in any way, nor is he trying to undermine their authority, but I think I ought to be able to make big decisions when I feel the need to. or maybe even when I simply want to. of course some of them will be mistakes. I need to make mistakes, though. I wouldn’t learn enough if I did everything right. (I know because I used to do everything right, and it got boring.) anyhow, whether for better or worse, I wanted this to be a choice I made all on my own. so maybe I don’t know all there is to know about cars. but…maybe neither does my dad. maybe I paid close attention last time he and I were shopping for a car, and tried to follow that example this time. maybe it isn’t the end of the world that I went out and did something without having my hand held, or the decision made for me.

the problem in all of this is that if I say I was trying to be independent and more grownup, my parents will turn it around to tell me that I acted like an immature teenager. but I don’t think I did. well, alright, I purposely did not seek their counsel on this car thing, but maybe right now in my life that was something I needed to do. to be just mika, making a choice, and having the experience of being right or wrong about it. it seems like there’s nothing else to experience lately, except work…which doesn’t count for a whole lot, in the grand scheme of things.

this morning before work I checked my email, and there was a note from ryan informing me that he’s joined the blog world. I don’t know why yet, but after reading his blog entry I had a smile on my face, and though not much went right today, I feel happier. like things will eventually go right. (the “discussion” later tonight may be a huge setback in that timetable, but we’ll see.)

I got a call from aubrey yesterday — she’ll be living in sacramento for part of the summer! selling alarm systems, of course. (of course.) it will be her and about 20 guys. hopefully she brings a cowboy or two along. interestingly enough, they’ll be here in mid-june, right about when jarom comes home. support for mika. very helpful.

my headaches have started up again. since saturday. don’t know why.

in the other room I can hear my brother asking my mom something…the question isn’t important, it’s her tone when she answers. exponential irritation. definitely from the car. man oh man. can they take the car away, I wonder? it’s in my name; I paid for it; they’ll have to drive me around in the meantime. would punishment even work? what is there to take away from me? and do I deserve punishment? what exactly is my crime — making a (somewhat impulsive) choice?

when mick jr told me the other day about the company going downhill very, very quickly, I didn’t feel as upset as maybe I should have. it seems to open more possibilities. this job is what keeps me in fairfield. nothing else. I could go anywhere. of course that would mean paying rent, or finding someone to mooch off of, plus buying food, or finding someone to mooch off of. but it could be done. where do you think I should go?

aha…my dad is getting up from his nap now. this is the absolute worst time to tell him about the car, yet guess what my mom is doing. telling him about the car. fabulous.