restlessPosted: April 14, 2005 Filed under: War and Peace Leave a comment
“I just can’t stand bein’ alone…
gonna have to change that someday.
there’s a restless feelin’ in my bones and I know
that at times, it just won’t go away…”
-alison krauss & union station
earlier I read duchess’ blog — these people I know only through the 100 hour board, I read their blogs sometimes because novel concept mentions them frequently, and links to them — and a few days ago she brought up a lot of the same feelings I’ve had lately. and novel made a comment that said the magic word…restless. I feel lonely and restless. I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to have something different. probably that’s part of why I bought the car; not because I want to drive far, but because it’s a change. it sets one day apart from another.
I watched groundhog day tonight. I suppose that should sort of inspire me, that if I’m having to live through days that are all the same, I ought to be improving myself. acquiring new skills. becoming the person I want to be. well, of course — that’s what life is, whether every day is exciting or blah. but it feels like I can’t change. like I need outside change before I can have inside change. I’ve never understood this part of my thinking process — even when I know an idea is irrational, like the idea that I need outside change before inside, I still believe it. listen to this: “mika, there’s plenty of proof that you can change the way you are without changing the way everything else is.” logic. and yet here’s my mental response: “but, mika, you can’t. other people can. maybe you could in the past. but right now, it ain’t gonna work.”
there’s also the overarching problem. I don’t believe in my pirate captain. or in my cowboy, or my prince, or even my best friend. it’s too much to expect, and I won’t lower my expectations. so, at least temporarily, I’ve accepted my seemingly inevitable fate as miss mika forever. never mrs. somebody. at work the question has been brought up a lot recently, “are you going to be staying around here for a while?” the implication is that I might get married
sorry for the cutoff. twenty minutes later I wrapped up the entry and clicked “publish post,” at which point I got a message about an internal error. I tried going back but the rest of the blog had been lost somewhere in cyberspace, and I have no desire to try rewriting it. wasn’t really interesting, anyway, just rambling more about marriage and blah blah blah blah blah my water? the only interesting thing was an update about my new car, and the surrounding drama. the truth is that there is no surrounding drama. my dad hasn’t said anything about the car, except to tell my mom we needed to call our insurance company to get it covered, and my mom offered to go pick up my old car from antioch tomorrow. perhaps they’re going to let me learn from this “mistake,” if it turns out to be such. hmm. we’ll see.