my REAL life as a monolithPosted: June 10, 2005
yesterday was kind of strange. lauren met with mick sr and tim about 10am; I’d gone to the store really quick about 10:45 and turned our light off when I left. when I got back the light was still off but lauren was in there. I figured she didn’t want the glare or something, and I could see just fine with the light off, so I went back to my desk and continued indexing. I could tell that something had happened in the meeting — especially because before they met, mick asked me for a report of lauren’s hours and indexing averages for the week. but not for anyone else. well, my back was to lauren, and I heard a lot of rummaging around, and after a few minutes she said, “you know, it’s really hard to leave this place after five years.” I turned around and she’d been packing, and crying.
it was her decision to leave — she wasn’t fired or anything; she had an interview yesterday afternoon up in sacramento and she got a good severance package from mha. but having it suddenly be her last day was unexpected and rough for all of us. especially lauren. she cried and cried and cried up until we’d finished loading everything in her car and she drove off. she probably cried more after that, too, when she was home cuddled up with chris. I know that lauren wanted to leave, but it was hard for her anyway.
aside from work, though…the day was strange in that I was so blissfully and joyfully happy. without quite being able to pinpoint a reason for it. I did get my car back (hoo-rah!!), but that was only part of it. I was dancing around the house and singing at the top of my lungs and I just felt like life was absolutely beautiful. in fact I still feel that way. and I talked to ryan in the evening — it was so nice. I think now that I understand how much things will have to change between us, and I’m willing to distance myself when I see the need to, I can find a balance between the old and the new. the old being talking all the time, and the new being talking mostly none of the time. great grammar, huh? at any rate, it seemed like I hadn’t spoken to ryan in ages, when it had really only been 2 days. but I sure missed him.
oops. I told kimberlee I’d call her back. too late now. tomorrow, I guess.
tomorrow is friday!! I don’t have anything planned, except buying a gift for nellie’s wedding. the reception is saturday evening. and I really and truly have to finish cleaning my room this weekend. it is a little bit better…
disclaimer: this is probably not going to make any sense whatsoever. but here goes. lately everything feels bigger. including myself. like life has suddenly taken on new depth and color, and everything is more solid and real than I ever thought before. when I was half-asleep the other night I felt huge — not in a self-conscious way, and not in a proportional-to-other-people way…just like all that I am and can be is enormous. for once I actually felt like a monolith. and it was amazing. I loved it. it’s as if everything has expanded and become more — although I know the more likely explanation is that my perceptions have expanded.
so…yeah. nonsense. but it is awfully enjoyable nonsense. and I’m getting really nervous about next week. eeeeeeeeeeeee!