over the past week and a half I’ve come to realize there’s something I need to do in my life right now — something I need to let go of, that needs to be changed. I know I’m being rather vague. suffice it to say that I thoroughly dislike doing this, and it’s painful to let go. especially because it isn’t a bad thing that I’m letting go of. just something that isn’t part of the direction I’m heading. but every time I’ve prayed about it, or even when we’re having family prayer, I have an amazing sense of reassurance that this is the right thing to do. yeah, I wish I didn’t have to do it. and one could argue that it doesn’t have to be done yet, doesn’t have to be now. but…it does. I’m not sure exactly why. maybe time will prove that things would have worked out equally well had I waited, waited to see how the situation would change on its own, but at the moment I’m just going to believe I’m taking the right action. even though it’s hurting.
at times like these it’s always nice to have the assurance that everything will work out in the end. “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.” (D&C 90:24) I’ll just have to trust. that’s one thing I have trouble with — and I suppose we all do, to an extent — trusting when my instincts tell me not to. but for now I’m going to take a step in the direction I’m told, even though I’m afraid to, and I’ll believe that in the end I’ll know it was the right path.
in other news…nemelka called me today…she found out, it’s a boy!! hooray for dear friends growing up and having families.
I should get my car back tomorrow. jarom will be home a week from tomorrow. I need to have a good cry — actually, I need to have a good talk, but I can’t find the right person for the situation. that’s okay. I think sometimes it’s alright for me to keep things internalized until they calm down, until I calm down, and I can put the emotions aside. I know usually I want to get everything out, whether through a journal or a short piece of writing or a long conversation or crying. or through taking myself on a long drive and talking myself through the issues (hey, it actually works really well). this time, though, I’m going to leave it between myself and the Lord and trust that He’ll provide me with the guidance and comfort and counsel I need.
p.s. I’m not really bitter. but not sweet, either, not at the moment.