yes, it’s true, I went to see it last night. it was very last-minute — the show started at 9:55; at 9:38 I got off the phone with ryan and shouted, “mom, I’m gonna go see the girl movie!” she asked if I was going alone, so I reminded her that no one would go with me. but…I asked my dad yet again, and he agreed to go! that not only meant I wasn’t by myself, but my ticket was paid for as well. it was good times.
afterwards I got into a mood. not exactly weepy, but — oh wait. it was exactly weepy. so I talked to ryan for another hour and a half. a while ago he said that everything in his life right now seems to be “ish”. happy-ish. interested-ish in so-and-so. my life is the opposite. everything is so intense, both good and bad, and it’s really wearing me out. I don’t notice how exhausted I am until I get into a mood, and I know the fact that the movie tried to make me cry had a lot to do with this whole thing last night, but suddenly it felt like there are a lot of issues and complications in my life that I’m completely ignoring. and maybe the fact that I ignore them is what allows me to be so gloriously deliriously content most of the time.
then again, maybe I was right in my first guess: my personality is just more suited to semi-frequent downs to keep the ups enjoyable. when everything seems pleasant and I’m in that fantastically happy stage, something in the back of my mind wonders, “isn’t this a little too happy? what terrible thing is about to go wrong and bring me crashing down to reality?” and then I hit a mood, which rarely lasts for more than an evening. two days at most. then voila, happiness again, pure and carefree at first. after a while of that I’ll get to worrying that I’m just in the calm before the storm, and then the storm will hit, and then I’ll be fine again, etc., etc. because today I’m fine again. awfully tired, but content. I think it’s the ability to get through the little mikastorms I cause for myself that reminds me, when I’m happy again, that life really is good — mikastorms included. there’s nothing I can’t get through.
ah, it’s nice to be sappy again.
at the moment, though…I don’t want to think about jarom coming home. probably because that custard-y feeling is kinda uncomfortable and weird. I should think of a better analogy next time, one that doesn’t give me such icky mental images.
I’m walking on sunshine wooah
I’m walking on sunshine, wooah
and don’t it feel good?
you get the idea. I was at nellie’s reception earlier, and saw a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a while. they all wanted to know how I am, how life is going. I told all of them I’m marvelous, wonderful, fabulous, life is beautiful. the other day when I talked to ryan, he said my voice sounded really different, and was trying to figure out why. finally he said, “I just think it’s been a while since I heard you so absolutely happy. but it makes me really happy too.” and now whenever I talk to him he says I still sound different, and I feel so glorious. definitely happy.
I didn’t catch the bouquet. I was so close, I totally grabbed it first but there was too much backwards momentum and it fell into the claws of the girl behind me. bah. but, that’s okay, I still am dancing all over the place. most of my dreams last night were about seeing jarom the first time after he’s back. I wonder if I will ever stop having dream like that, even once he’s home. and been home for a while.
it’s funny; although I have no belief in “superstitions” or silly things like if you catch the bouquet you’ll be the next to get married, I was really hoping to catch it anyway…so I’d have some sort of grounding for the hope that I’ll get married before very much longer? why? maybe I should relax a bit. a lot. I hope I don’t scare poor jarom to death. and I hope that he isn’t coming home and thinking, “oh great, now I’ve gotta deal with this whole mika situation. what on earth did I get myself into?!” but life will go on, with or without jarom, and in the end things will still be fantastic.
okay, here I go to dance around my room some more.