no really, I NEVER shut up

we had the missionaries come eat with us tonight. I found it amusing…they sat in front of us at church last week, and one of them had his scriptures out. well, his name was on there; it was kinda hard to get my head in the right position at the right angle so I could read without there being a glare. in fact I was awfully contorted. but I did manage to see that his first name is micah. so tonight was amusing because the first time my mom said “mika, will you do such-and-such?” he had the funniest look on his face. surprised, taken aback, probably thinking for a second that someone was trying to talk to him. I know because I respond to my name being pronounced “micah,” and I bet he’s had some illiterate person say his name like mine. it’s just something you get used to. anyway, I tend to avoid the elders. I’m not entirely sure why — not that I think they’re bad, or anything, but first off I really have nothing to say to them, and secondly I’d rather not have the nice dating-aged girls in jarom’s mission being really good friends with him. yeah it is silly of me. but I remember my mom telling me once, when I’d been waiting for a letter for a month or two, “maybe he ran off with a korean girl!” it doesn’t help that I think most asian women are gorgeous, especially compared to me with my pigmentless skin and oddly thin build. although I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in the past few years to make me comfortable with how I am. still, I do think many many many others are more attractive, and I guess I expect jarom to agree. which means I’ve got a lot of work to do convincing him that there are other reasons to pick me. (“ooh pick me, pick me! I’m askin’ you with my brain!”)

ten days, fellas, ten days. it’s still looking like I won’t have work that week, or if I do it will only be on monday and maybe tuesday. to be honest, I wish someone would invite me to go to the airport. then I’d know exactly when I’ll see him, and what the situation will be, and I can prepare for it. besides, I’d be awfully flattered if I were asked to come. oh well. it certainly doesn’t look like that will happen. unless jarom tells his parents in this next monday email to invite me, which I find to be extremely unlikely. sometimes I feel so bad for him, poor kid coming back to what is now an unfamiliar country, and there’s this girl waiting for him, going crazy, and she’s got all these insane ideas and is completely head-over-heels for him, and everything is just so confusing…but, most of the time I suspect that he’s excited. at least a little bit. if I’ve read him right (no, not a figure of speech this time) he sees things going in the same direction I do, though maybe he’s got a much more vague timeline. who knows. we’ll have to wait and see. wait wait wait wait wait. like I haven’t done enough of that.

I really did get more cleaning done on my room today; if nothing else, I put away every single article of clothing that was lying around or waiting to be hung up or still sitting in the dryer from wednesday. or was it thursday? no, wednesday. I wanted to go to a movie tonight. earlier I asked kendy if she wanted to go; she said yes, but then the conversation ended there because one of us had to go do something…by the time I finally resumed the discussion, it turned out she had assumed I wanted to go to madagascar, when really I want to see sisterhood of the traveling pants. yeah, so it’s a girl movie. that’s what I’m in the mood for, and it looks like something I would really enjoy. I just didn’t feel like seeing the other tonight. I do want to see it, of course, I’ve heard good things about it, but I was all psyched up to see the girl movie. and kendy had no interest in going to that; she got mopey and I got mopey and I would’ve gone by myself, honest I would’ve, except that I got distracted and when I looked at the clock it was too late. I didn’t have the energy by then, either.

talked to kimberlee for about half an hour earlier. all of our friends seem to be getting engaged, or almost engaged; well, nemelka’s married and pregnant, kim is engaged, aubrey will be engaged when she gets back to provo, jennifer will probably be engaged by fall…kim’s friend sarah got married yesterday, liz from work — and sarah flinders — both got married today, nellie farmer gets married next saturday. everyone everyone everyone. I still have that feeling I got when kimberlee first told me she was engaged, the one captured so well by l.m. montgomery’s writing in anne of avonlea: “…a queer little loney leeling…as if somehow, diana had gone forward into a new world, shutting a gate behind her, leaving anne on the outside.” I know I care about jarom, very deeply, but it’s the reciprocation, and the emotional intimacy that comes with it, that these other people have and I don’t. everyone is “pairing off” — remember back in 10th grade when rachel young said jarom and I had already “paired off”? I wonder if anyone knew that he liked me back then. I sure didn’t. that was certainly a surprise when I found out later. anyway, my point was, everyone seems to be pairing off, and I’m just mika-by-herselfishness. maybe not for long, I know, but I am a bit lonely this evening. I really ought to have gone out and done something. too bad I never got an announcement about or invitiation to sarah flinders’ reception. it would’ve been a good outing. a happy one. but, the last wedding reception I went to also left me lonely. plus I had to look up the quote from anne of avonlea, and I want a gilbert blythe now, only I think jarom is the right combination of every storybook man I’ve ever loved. gaa I’m so mushy and almost weepy and this is not a good time to be rambling.

so let me just finish by saying that whether I sound like it or not, I am happy, life is beautiful, and I have every intention of making the next ten days absolutely glorious. I never did get around to perfecting myself before jarom came home, like I had planned to, but I guess he’ll have to decide if maybe I’m worth it anyway. worth the journey towards perfection, I guess.

wow, that was too smarmy, whether it was accurate or not. I’m leaving.

immediate wishes 006

– my independent study humanities course. I’d like to get started…where is it?
– something hot, healthy, huge. I’m hungry. hhhhh.
– longer hair
– the ability to draw a wombat in the style of the other animals I draw. why is it so hard?! oh c’mon, you say, how hard can it be, it’s just a bear-ish thing. a bear-dog-pig sort of blob. well, that’s exactly what makes it so difficult. how can you tell it’s a wombat when you’re done, instead of a bear-dog-pig sort of blob?
– to be mikacuddled. or a bedtime song. either would be nice.

just gimme half a cup

I know it’s been a while since I wrote. and it’s been a weird couple of days. didn’t get my room as clean as I planned to last weekend, and it will need finishing on saturday. I definitely want everything neat by the time jarom comes home. not that he’s going to be in my room at all, but I really do feel like my life is more in order when my room is clean. maybe that’s why things are so messy all the time.

monday evening ryan and I had a fight-ish thing. I guess christian called him ’cause he’d heard about the jt concert, and said, “hey, you and I should bring dates,” so ryan was telling me that he was looking forward to that. the conversation led to other topics but finally I said what was bothering me: ryan had already said I was welcome to come with him and steph & paul and jesse & brit. if he brought a date, things would be weird; first because I’d be the odd person out, and second because…well, with how ryan and I act around each other, I imagine that him having another girl with him would get kinda awkward. anyway, neither of us said much after that, until he told me, “I’m not very pleased with you at the moment.” he went on to say, “what if things work out with you and jarom, and you bring him to the concert, and it’s like I’m not even there?” I said jarom doesn’t know who james taylor is, it’s not the kind of music he likes, and I can’t afford two tickets; but ryan’s point was that I was being selfish. he said I was limiting how he could enjoy the concert, and demanding that I be the focus of his attention. he was really angry. I started crying — not because he yelled at me (though that did make me feel bad), but because I had made him so upset. I felt terrible. he calmed down after that; I think he may have felt worse than I did, for making me cry. we both apologized and I do agree with what he said. I was being selfish. I don’t know if he reads this blog anymore, so he may not know this until I decide to tell him later…but, today I made up my mind not to go to the concert. it isn’t spite or retaliation of any sort. I just can see now that there are too many variables that go into the situation — too many “ifs” determining how the relationship works between ryan and I at that point. and I feel alright about not going. I mean, of course I’d enjoy going; it’s james taylor, after all. but I know ryan will enjoy it, whether I’m there or not, and who knows what other factors will come into play in his life by then. it would have been a play-it-by-ear situation. I’m just avoiding it. this way I can drive out to utah with quentin and whoever else is going with us, instead of alone. it will be okay.

the bigger issue in all of this, and the reason I cried for another hour and a half after the conversation ended, is that I realized how much things are going to change between ryan and I. starting soon. actually, I guess they’ve already started changing. I am fully aware that he and I cannot keep up this level of friendship. I’ve known that for a long time. but the fact that I’ll let him slip out of my life completely — and probably willingly — seems so abhorrent. I want to argue that all friendships that are beneficial and uplifting to both parties should be continued, not “thrown away,” because they’re good and decent and worthwhile. it seems wrong to give up something that good. but at the same time, I know that it’s so much more important to put all my effort into an eternal relationship with the man I marry. he’ll be my best friend. and yeah, ryan and I will drift apart a lot before I get to that point. I know.

the thing is…what if that point is soon? it comes down to not wanting to let go of ryan yet. if he had always been just a friend, if jarom had met him and talked to him and liked him, things might be different. but ryan is probably the one person in the world that jarom would have qualms about me talking to on any kind of a regular basis if jarom and I get married. david, he’s a mutual friend. same with quentin, alex, va yee. others, like nate and ammon, would easily fit into that group. but ryan? he and jarom just will not mix. I don’t mean to say that ryan refuses. I know he gives jarom the benefit of the doubt, if for no other reason than because I think so highly of him (jarom). but it has to be one or the other; I can’t have both of them, even though I want two completely different kinds of relationships with them. and I’ll pick jarom. absolutely. I’m just sad to lose a little bit of myself when I let go of ryan, I guess.

whew. that was much more thorough than I had been in my thoughts. see why writing is great? speaking of which, I should read harriet the spy again soon.

last night I was up until 1am doing indexing. bleh. needless to say, I did not get much sleep, I was not a very happy person this morning, and I had a very hard time staying awake at work. my car isn’t ready — maybe tomorrow? oh crap, I forgot to put gas in mick’s car. better do that tomorrow when I get a chance. anyway, it looks like the indexing for scott labs will finish up sooner than I expected. the rescans for pec should be done tomorrow, which means I need to incorporate them, copy all the files, and pass to qc before starting the pdfs. probably monday I can start the pdfs? or tuesday…but darryl will be gone next week. hmm. well, at any rate, scott labs should be done by next week, I think. it’s going so much better than I dreamed. granted, I’m doing all of diana’s stuff over again, but even that isn’t as hard or tedious as I thought. so once I get the files ready to go to qc…it’s just a matter of creating the otg file. which means there won’t be anything else to do after the 14th or so. until. until we get more work? scott labs has agreed to give us more, but they’re being audited on the 15th, and we’ll have to wait until that’s done. oh joy. you know, it’d be a perfect time for a trip to utah; I’ll have free time…but, of course, that is when jarom comes home. this could be good or bad. we’ll just have to wait and see.

I think I’ve rambled on plenty. it’s been good to get everything out, though; I’d gone so long without crying until monday that I think there was a lot built up. plus all the stuff about things with ryan that I hadn’t processed at all till then. anyway, hopefully now I’m back to my no-crying phase. although since I do seem to function better after I have a good cry, maybe it’s not such a terrible thing after all.

k bye.