just gimme half a cupPosted: June 3, 2005 Filed under: Bartleby the Scrivener Leave a comment
I know it’s been a while since I wrote. and it’s been a weird couple of days. didn’t get my room as clean as I planned to last weekend, and it will need finishing on saturday. I definitely want everything neat by the time jarom comes home. not that he’s going to be in my room at all, but I really do feel like my life is more in order when my room is clean. maybe that’s why things are so messy all the time.
monday evening ryan and I had a fight-ish thing. I guess christian called him ’cause he’d heard about the jt concert, and said, “hey, you and I should bring dates,” so ryan was telling me that he was looking forward to that. the conversation led to other topics but finally I said what was bothering me: ryan had already said I was welcome to come with him and steph & paul and jesse & brit. if he brought a date, things would be weird; first because I’d be the odd person out, and second because…well, with how ryan and I act around each other, I imagine that him having another girl with him would get kinda awkward. anyway, neither of us said much after that, until he told me, “I’m not very pleased with you at the moment.” he went on to say, “what if things work out with you and jarom, and you bring him to the concert, and it’s like I’m not even there?” I said jarom doesn’t know who james taylor is, it’s not the kind of music he likes, and I can’t afford two tickets; but ryan’s point was that I was being selfish. he said I was limiting how he could enjoy the concert, and demanding that I be the focus of his attention. he was really angry. I started crying — not because he yelled at me (though that did make me feel bad), but because I had made him so upset. I felt terrible. he calmed down after that; I think he may have felt worse than I did, for making me cry. we both apologized and I do agree with what he said. I was being selfish. I don’t know if he reads this blog anymore, so he may not know this until I decide to tell him later…but, today I made up my mind not to go to the concert. it isn’t spite or retaliation of any sort. I just can see now that there are too many variables that go into the situation — too many “ifs” determining how the relationship works between ryan and I at that point. and I feel alright about not going. I mean, of course I’d enjoy going; it’s james taylor, after all. but I know ryan will enjoy it, whether I’m there or not, and who knows what other factors will come into play in his life by then. it would have been a play-it-by-ear situation. I’m just avoiding it. this way I can drive out to utah with quentin and whoever else is going with us, instead of alone. it will be okay.
the bigger issue in all of this, and the reason I cried for another hour and a half after the conversation ended, is that I realized how much things are going to change between ryan and I. starting soon. actually, I guess they’ve already started changing. I am fully aware that he and I cannot keep up this level of friendship. I’ve known that for a long time. but the fact that I’ll let him slip out of my life completely — and probably willingly — seems so abhorrent. I want to argue that all friendships that are beneficial and uplifting to both parties should be continued, not “thrown away,” because they’re good and decent and worthwhile. it seems wrong to give up something that good. but at the same time, I know that it’s so much more important to put all my effort into an eternal relationship with the man I marry. he’ll be my best friend. and yeah, ryan and I will drift apart a lot before I get to that point. I know.
the thing is…what if that point is soon? it comes down to not wanting to let go of ryan yet. if he had always been just a friend, if jarom had met him and talked to him and liked him, things might be different. but ryan is probably the one person in the world that jarom would have qualms about me talking to on any kind of a regular basis if jarom and I get married. david, he’s a mutual friend. same with quentin, alex, va yee. others, like nate and ammon, would easily fit into that group. but ryan? he and jarom just will not mix. I don’t mean to say that ryan refuses. I know he gives jarom the benefit of the doubt, if for no other reason than because I think so highly of him (jarom). but it has to be one or the other; I can’t have both of them, even though I want two completely different kinds of relationships with them. and I’ll pick jarom. absolutely. I’m just sad to lose a little bit of myself when I let go of ryan, I guess.
whew. that was much more thorough than I had been in my thoughts. see why writing is great? speaking of which, I should read harriet the spy again soon.
last night I was up until 1am doing indexing. bleh. needless to say, I did not get much sleep, I was not a very happy person this morning, and I had a very hard time staying awake at work. my car isn’t ready — maybe tomorrow? oh crap, I forgot to put gas in mick’s car. better do that tomorrow when I get a chance. anyway, it looks like the indexing for scott labs will finish up sooner than I expected. the rescans for pec should be done tomorrow, which means I need to incorporate them, copy all the files, and pass to qc before starting the pdfs. probably monday I can start the pdfs? or tuesday…but darryl will be gone next week. hmm. well, at any rate, scott labs should be done by next week, I think. it’s going so much better than I dreamed. granted, I’m doing all of diana’s stuff over again, but even that isn’t as hard or tedious as I thought. so once I get the files ready to go to qc…it’s just a matter of creating the otg file. which means there won’t be anything else to do after the 14th or so. until. until we get more work? scott labs has agreed to give us more, but they’re being audited on the 15th, and we’ll have to wait until that’s done. oh joy. you know, it’d be a perfect time for a trip to utah; I’ll have free time…but, of course, that is when jarom comes home. this could be good or bad. we’ll just have to wait and see.
I think I’ve rambled on plenty. it’s been good to get everything out, though; I’d gone so long without crying until monday that I think there was a lot built up. plus all the stuff about things with ryan that I hadn’t processed at all till then. anyway, hopefully now I’m back to my no-crying phase. although since I do seem to function better after I have a good cry, maybe it’s not such a terrible thing after all.