Day 12

Today was my first weekly appointment to check the baby’s heartbeat. Although the baby was very active around 5am, I lived most of my day in fear that there’d be no heartbeat by the afternoon. I was surprised that the nurse brought us into an exam room that had an ultrasound machine instead of just the small Doppler to listen for the heartbeat. And, I’ll be honest, I wondered how much I was going to end up paying for all these ultrasounds.

The practice I go to has 3 OBs, all of whom I’d met when I was pregnant with Evan and June. This was my first visit with Dr. L for this pregnancy, so he wanted to take a look at some of the things mentioned in the reports by the sonographers. Apparently they’ve been concerned about the possibility of me having placenta previa – a fact I’m sure I’ve been told, and I filed away under “Less of a big deal than losing my baby.” Dr. L showed me that it looks close, but shouldn’t be a problem. And then we got to see the baby’s beautifully beating heart. It was a huge relief and definitely worth whatever the ultrasound costs.

I guess the OB wanted to make sure we fully understood the diagnosis we’d been given, so we got to hear for third time that the baby has no chance of survival. But he also explained that the baby will, more likely than not, be born alive, and despite being unable to breathe will continue to live for about an hour.

Nothing has been on my mind so much as whether or not the baby would live for at least a few minutes. I have almost no control over this whole experience, and it’s become important to me that I get to hold the baby before he or she dies. I want it desperately. Dr. L’s comments have given me hope that I will cling to as tightly as I can.

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5 Comments on “Day 12”

  1. Wow! I had no idea that it could be born alive. We will continue to keep you and your precious little one in our prayers, and ask that you might be given the tender mercy of holding your living child at least once in this life. Thank you for your beautiful reminder of the atonement and resurrection the other day. I have really been reflecting upon it this past week. I am sure it has really made your Easter season more meaningful, but I am grateful that you have allowed yourself to let ME experience the beauty of God’s plan through you at this special holiday. I love you!

  2. Kayleen says:

    Are you familiar with delayed cord clamping? I have no idea how it works in your situation, but the cord is how it is able to receive oxygen while in the womb and allowing the cord to stay attached to the placenta until it is done pulsating may help your baby be more comfortable with its oxygen supply. I did it #2 and #3, I would have done it with Isaak, but I didn’t even know it was an option. Anyway, just something to read up on, and/or ask your OB about. I am SOOO sorry for you to have to deal with this. This is heartbreaking through and through!

  3. Sarah M says:

    Will the baby be given a birth and death certificate? I hope with all my heart that nothing stands in your way of holding her/him while alive.

  4. Sarah M says:

    I am so sorry for your impending loss and current heartache.

  5. Holly says:

    Reading this made me cry. I’ve been hoping and praying you will see tiny baby alive.


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