Day 9

Since this weekend I’ve spoken with a funeral director, a nurse in labor & delivery, the person in charge of the local cemeteries, a photographer, and the owner of a nearby monument company. I didn’t cry or feel distraught during any of the conversations; I took careful notes, evaluated my options, and tried to start planning for the coming month.

I’m worried that I’m distracting and distancing myself too much. I feel less of a connection to the baby when I’m already looking into funeral arrangements. Would it be better or worse to drown myself in grief? Is it normal to be grieving when I haven’t lost the baby yet?

I want to have a normal day when I don’t think about this at all. There were times before when I even forgot I was pregnant; being absorbed in Evan and June, in getting stuff ready for my shop, in the mundane demands of life kept me busy, and I didn’t dwell on my pregnancy much. Now it seems like it’s Everything. When I play with Evan and June, I’m grateful they’re alive and healthy. When Evan gets fussy, I try extra hard to be patient with him because he’s the only son I’ll ever raise. When Jarom is at work, I miss him because he’s going through this with me. And when I try picking an Easter dress out for June, I can’t handle seeing the newborn clothes nearby and knowing I won’t need to buy any.

I don’t know how to find a balance between living everyday life and allowing myself to be heartbroken.

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