Day 15

Can you believe it was only two weeks ago we got the first hint of bad news? Today Jarom and I went to talk to the monument company just up the street. We picked out a headstone for Tiny Baby.

If I were in a different frame of mind, or if we’d decided to wait longer to induce, I might have wanted to design a headstone myself. Most of the options they had were much too cutesy for my taste – Precious Moments angels and puppies and the like. It’s a little harder not knowing if Tiny Baby is a boy or girl, so I wanted something that could work for either gender. I don’t think I could pick out a headstone after the baby dies, which is why I wanted to get things lined up ahead of time. We ended up with this design – we can call in (or have a relative call) when the details are ready, and they’ll order the headstone and place it about 3 weeks after the burial.

Sometimes I imagine that “the upcoming loss of my baby” and the grief accompanying it is like a ball that’s at the end of a long string. I’m at the other end, and most of the time the ball is far away. I can function normally – or almost normally – as long as the ball is far enough in the distance that it’s just an object I can think about rationally and calmly. But at the end of the day, or in the middle of the day, or when I suddenly realize that I will actually have to bury my baby, I’m curled up with the ball. I just want to cry and hold onto how much it hurts.

It’s difficult for me to not know how I should feel or even how I do feel. If I’m having a good day, is it because I’m doing a great job of coping or because I’ve distanced myself from what’s happening? If I’m having a bad day, is it because I’m wallowing too much and I should try to distract myself? What if my day is good and bad? What if the reason everyone thinks I’m dealing with this so well is just because I don’t cry in front of anyone but Jarom?

For the most part, I do feel like life will be okay and we’ll gain a lot from this experience.

But I’d really rather have a healthy baby.

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3 Comments on “Day 15”

  1. Mika- I was listening to a talk from last General Conference from Elder Shayne M. Bowen titled “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also.” I thought of you and your family as I listened. He, too, lost a young child and related many of the feelings I think you have had. I hope you don’t mind if I share part of what he said:

    “It is impossible to describe the mixture of feelings that I had at that point in my life. Most of the time I felt as if I were in a bad dream and that I would soon wake up and this terrible nightmare would be over. For many nights I didn’t sleep. I often wandered in the night from one room to the other, making sure that our other children were all safe.

    …Sometimes people will ask, “How long did it take you to get over it?” The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection.

    “For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;

    “And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.”

    But in the meantime, as the Savior taught, we can continue with good cheer.

    I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost.

    What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn’t it be tragic if we didn’t feel great sorrow when we lose a child? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that He allows us to love deeply and love eternally. How grateful I am for eternal families. How grateful I am that He has revealed once again through His living prophets the glorious plan of redemption.

    Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.

    I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy…”

  2. Bethany says:

    The design is sweet.

  3. Mandy Price says:

    How you feel is going to wax and wane. When I had my miscarriage I felt the same; some days I was fine, others I would just curl up in a ball and cry, and there were times I felt like I was stuck in a bad dream. There was never a rational reason why I was feeling the way I was at the time. What you are going through is exponentially worse than my experience so your ups and downs are bound to be too. Just know it’s part of the grieving process and allow yourself to feel what you feel when you do. There is no shame in grieving, and there is no reason to feel guilty if you do have a good day (enjoy those moments and use them to increase your bond with Evan and June). Having Kylun helped pull me through the hard times and relish in the good, just as I’m sure you’re little angels will do for you!


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