Day 4

I feel full of unanswered and unanswerable questions.

Is it ok if I feel awful?

Is it ok if sometimes I feel normal and then suddenly, for no specific reason, I feel awful again?

Is it ok if I’m scared of what happens next?

Is it ok if I try not to think about it sometimes?

Is it ok if I want to think about it and cry sometimes?

How do I keep this from overtaking my efforts to be a good mother for Evan and June?

How can I use this experience to help me be a better, more loving person?

How do I deal with this?

Yesterday Jarom stayed home from work. We didn’t really do much all day. I woke up around 5:30 when June needed something, and when I came back to bed I sobbed for an hour or two. Eventually I fell back asleep and Jarom got up with June the next time she woke up. In the afternoon we all went on a walk, and spent a while outside. I chilled in the swing with June; she fell asleep on my lap. I only had a few moments where I was overwhelmed – for some reason, seeing myself in the mirror sets me off. But I went to bed early. Jarom and I started listing 3 things we’re grateful for at bedtime. On my list yesterday: (1) I have Jarom. (2) My buddy Megan brought us dinner and Drumsticks for dessert. (3) We didn’t have to sit through all of Jack the Giant Slayer. We’d gone to see it Tuesday night to distract ourselves – it was the next movie playing when we got to the theater – and it was so bad, we ended up leaving. I literally preferred to go talk about the impending death of my baby than finish watching that movie.

Today Jarom went back to work. This morning the kids went over to a friend’s house – I was shocked beyond words that Evan went willingly, since he wants to stay at home even when I ask if he’d like to go out for ice cream – and my friend Bridget came over with donuts. I’m glad she did, because I learned that being alone isn’t good for me right now. Bridget and I went to an antique store for a while, but once I got home I broke down again. Jarom was able to leave work (it’s nice that he works for a small company and they’re very understanding), and we ended up going back to the antique store together. They had a big box of Legos and a Lego table we bought for Evan as a surprise for when he got home.

By the way, before this all happened, we’d explained to Evan that if we had a baby girl, he’d have to trade rooms with June so we could put the two girls together in the bigger bedroom. He was actually excited about the idea of moving into June’s smaller room and asked frequently if we could go ahead and move their stuff. The plan was to wait until we knew if the baby was a boy or girl and then, if needed, trade rooms; since we still don’t know the gender and it sadly isn’t relevant to the bedroom setup anymore, I switched the kids’ beds yesterday. It gave me something to focus on. Today while the kids were gone Jarom and I finished cleaning their rooms and moving the toys and clothes around. When Evan came home and saw the Legos and the table, he was thrilled. It was definitely worth the money and the effort to get it set up for him.

This evening one of the girls in our neighborhood came to babysit for a few hours. I asked her on Sunday if she could come over, so after the stress of Monday and Tuesday I debated cancelling. (Honestly, it was mainly because our house is such a disaster right now. It’s embarrassing. But I sort of have an excuse . . . right?) Jarom and I didn’t have any specific plans, so we made up a date as we went along. Pro tip: Spanish Fork basically closes at 6pm. Don’t bother trying to browse downtown later than that. The only places open were a pet store and an international market. After the disappointing Spanish Fork scene, we spent a while in Barnes & Noble, where, by the way, they are currently selling adorable donut pillows. Just in case you feel like you should send me a little something to cheer me up. We had hot chocolate and cheesecake in the cafe and then used a Best Buy giftcard to get Toy Story 3. Right now I really feel like spoiling Evan and June a little . . .

Tomorrow I’ll take the kids to a neighbor’s house in the morning – their kids are the same ages as mine, so they have a lot of fun together. Then breakfast with a friend and an hour or two to myself. We’ll see how that goes. Jarom needs to renew his driver’s license before it expires on Monday (it’s his birthday!!!), so he’ll take care of that before we meet with the OB at 4. We sat down this afternoon to make a list of questions to ask. Every single thing on the list was awful. I don’t want to need to ask any of them. I was doing ok with the list until I got to “When I have the baby, will I be in Labor & Delivery with all the other expectant moms?” The thought was too much. I’m scared of everything about that day, but especially of being surrounded by so many reminders of what I’m losing.