Day 9Posted: March 26, 2013 Filed under: The Story of a Mother 3 Comments
Since this weekend I’ve spoken with a funeral director, a nurse in labor & delivery, the person in charge of the local cemeteries, a photographer, and the owner of a nearby monument company. I didn’t cry or feel distraught during any of the conversations; I took careful notes, evaluated my options, and tried to start planning for the coming month.
I’m worried that I’m distracting and distancing myself too much. I feel less of a connection to the baby when I’m already looking into funeral arrangements. Would it be better or worse to drown myself in grief? Is it normal to be grieving when I haven’t lost the baby yet?
I want to have a normal day when I don’t think about this at all. There were times before when I even forgot I was pregnant; being absorbed in Evan and June, in getting stuff ready for my shop, in the mundane demands of life kept me busy, and I didn’t dwell on my pregnancy much. Now it seems like it’s Everything. When I play with Evan and June, I’m grateful they’re alive and healthy. When Evan gets fussy, I try extra hard to be patient with him because he’s the only son I’ll ever raise. When Jarom is at work, I miss him because he’s going through this with me. And when I try picking an Easter dress out for June, I can’t handle seeing the newborn clothes nearby and knowing I won’t need to buy any.
I don’t know how to find a balance between living everyday life and allowing myself to be heartbroken.
Grief is a funny thing. We don’t get to pick the timing or the circumstances for it. And having days when you don’t feel heartbroken, and can function is a gift from God. Grieve and feel sad when it comes, laugh and love your family if that’s what you feel. You definitely do not need to feel guilty about any of your emotions, happy or sad.
There won’t be many days in the rest of your life that you won’t think of this baby, but after a while, it won’t hurt quite so much. I agree with Jim, you don’t need to feel guilty about any of your emotions. Cry when you need to, but don’t feel guilty when you smile or laugh.
My heart hurts too. I have never dealt with what you are dealing with. I want you to send me your address. my e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. This is very important to me. Thank you