Relief

President Obama announced yesterday that “For the first time in modern history, Americans need not worry any longer about  foreign debt.”  Further clarifying that he had “entered into a deal which would eliminate America’s foreign debt” and “strengthen our relationships in the international community.”

When President Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (“PPACA”) on March 23, 2010, many critics worried that such extensive revision of current healthcare law would be costly.  Pundits argued that  despite claims that PPACA would pay for itself, it would in fact increase the government’s reliance on international debt, and hinder the flagging economic recovery.

According to Obama’s remarks in a White House news conference held yesterday, however, there is nothing to worry about.

The President was initially reluctant to release details regarding the nature of the deal, and avoided giving specifics on how it would provide  relief to the millions suffering in the American debt crisis.

When pressed for clarification on the issue, he further elaborated, “I have received a confidential electronic communication from a certain member of the former royal family of Nigeria.  He has assured me in the strictest of confidences that he has more than enough funds to help with our current economic recovery.   The only problem,” the President continued, “is that the money is held in the central bank of Nigeria.”

Obama further elaborated that by “simply providing access to U.S. Treasury accounts, American will be able to not only assist and uplift a influential international figure, but receive a portion of the funds as we provide a safe harbor for the money away out of Nigeria.”

When questioned about the dangers of giving account information to foreign nationals, Obama responded with claims that he has been assured by the Prince that the transaction is “100% safe” but that he could not go into more detail because the project was “utterly confidential” and “top secret.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, White House insiders who have viewed the email claim that it “appears legit” and that the President was happy to have received the communication.  One insider noted that “this could be a boon to the President in the coming election.”

Victory is Mine!

Do you really hate getting unsolicited advertisements over text?  I do.  So after a local company texted me twice in three days, I decided to do something about it.  Here is the email that I sent to the customer care email address for each of the three companies.  Background information: the Pass of All Passes, is a season pass that allows you go to to the local water park (Seven Peaks) and mini-golf/arcade center (Trafalga).  I had never heard of Fizook before May 21.

Seven Peaks, Trafalga and Fizook Deals,

When I signed up for the “pass of all passes” I was required to give my personal information.  I was not told, or made aware in any way shape or form, that I would be receiving text messages to my personal cell phone.  I do not have unlimited texting and I am charged $0.20 for each text you send to my phone.  http://www.wireless.att.com/learn/messaging-internet/messaging/faq.jsp

The first text was sent at 11:11 AM on Saturday, May 21 and had the message:

Trafalga Pass of All Pass Holders- Special VIP Offer, $10 Bucks Gets You An Appetizer, Combo Meal & A $10 Playcard.  Learn More/Buy It Now @ www.fizookdeals.com

The second message was send at 4:29 Monday, May 23 and contained the following:

Trafalga Customers Last Chance For- Special VIP Offer $10 Bucks Gets You An Appetizer, Combo Meal & A $10 Playcard. Learn More/Buy It Now @ www.fizookdeals.com

I will be as clear as possible.  I do not want your texts.  Do not send me your unsolicited and unwanted text messages.  Remove all of my contact information from your systems.  I do not wish to receive text messages from either of your companies ever again.  If the world is burning down and you are the only people in the world with access to text messaging, do not text me.  If your very life depends on being able to text me, do not text me.  I do not care one bit about your deals, sales, or promotions.  In fact, this whole ordeal has ensured that I will never purchase anything from either of your two companies.

I consider this a gross abuse of my personal information.  What makes it worse is that this was done without my consent.  While writing this I ran across an interesting case.  Are you aware that Payless Shoes recently had a class action lawsuit filed against it for a similar practice? http://www.courthousenews.com/2009/10/30/Spam.pdf  The different between text advertising and other forms of advertisement is that I am directly forced to pay for your advertisement.

Here is a simple list of what I want.  I have tried to make this as absolutely simple as possible:

1) I want my name (Romgi the Enigma) and phone number (XXX-XXX-XXXX) removed from any and all advertising databases at Seven Peaks, Trafalga, and Fizook Deals

2) I do not want to ever receive a text message from either Seven Peaks, Trafalga or Fizook Deals in the future

3) I do not want to ever get a text message from any of the subsidiaries or affiliates of Seven Peaks, Trafalga, or Fizook Deals

If your reply to this email does not address and promise those three things, I will send an itemized bill for each of the text message I have received.  If I have not received a response to this email within 10 business days (Monday, June 6, 2011), I will consider this a refusal to respond and I will send an itemized bill for each of the text messages I have received.  If you refuse the pay the bill within 30 days, I will begin the process of filing a lawsuit to recover damages under 47 U.S.C. 227 titled “Restrictions on Use of Telephone Equipment” http://codes.lp.findlaw.com/uscode/47/5/II/I/227 .  Please note that this federal law prohibits unsolicited advertisements being sent to a person’s telephone.  Yes, I am talking about a total of $0.40 of damages, but I am tired of companies such as you costing me money.  I have had enough.

Best regards,

The Romgi

I sent that email today around 5:34 and I received a reply at 7:44.  I was a bit surprised to get such a quick response.  I was sure they would dilly-dally for days before getting back to me.

Romgi,

You have been removed from the Trafalga/Seven Peaks/Fizook Deals Databases.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

If for any reason you receive a text/email from fizook deals ever again in the future please contact me directly as this should not happen.

[Redacted]
Senior VP of Sales & Marketing

Apparently, the email went from “customer care” up the ranks to the VP quite quickly!  I will forever cherish this small victory.

In re Tom Morvolo Riddle

Mr. Neville Longbottom,

It has come to our attention that you are responsible for the willful and wanton destruction of the personal property of Tom Morvolo Riddle, alias Voldemort.  I am writing to you as the personal representative of the late Mr. Riddle’s estate.  This letter is to inform you that we demand fair and just compensation for the willful killing of Mr. Riddle’s service animal, Nagini the snake.

Testimony from witnesses indicates that late in the evening of May 2, 1998 you did draw the sword commonly atributed to Sir Godric Gryffindor.  Using this sword, you did, with knowledge of your actions and intent to destroy, cut the snake Nagini in two.  Nagini was killed instantly.

It is our assertion, that Mr. Riddle suffered from a disability, and that Nagini was  service animal specifically trained to ameliorate that disability.

Mr. Riddle suffered from a disability.  A disability is defined at law as “a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more of the major life activities” of an individual.  Examples of applicable physical or mental impairments include, but are not limited to, “any physiological disorder or condition, cosmetic disfigurement, or anatomical loss affecting . . . [the] respiratory” system.  Further more, the law states that any “emotional or mental illness” may constitute a disability.

It has been well documented that in the last several years of his life, Mr. Riddle lived with a severe deformity of the nose.  Witness reports indicate that it was “snakelike.” This would clearly classify as a physical deformity as defined by the law above.  Furthermore, Mr. Riddle was operating under the delusion that he could achieve immortality, which may be an indication  of an “emotional or mental illness” which affected one or more of his major life activities.

Nagini was a service animal.   A service animal means any “animal individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of a person with a disability.”  An example of an applicable work or task includes but is not limited to “fetching dropped items.”   On several occasions, witnesses have testified that they have seen Nagini go to retrieve items for Mr. Riddle.  Such items include a possibly relevant prophesy located in the Ministry of Magic.  It is obvious that substantial training went into getting this sort of behavior.  We maintain that the snake was so trained because Mr. Riddle was unable to leave his residence due to his disability or disabilities.

A police report has been filed in conjunction with this letter.  We would be willing to discuss withdrawal of the complaint in exchange for a fair and reasonable settlement.  We look forward to hearing your settlement offer, and hope to put this act of violence in the past.

Sincerely,

Romgi T. Enigma, Solicitor

Black Malfoy Lestrange & Associates
65 Knockturn Alley
London
United Kingdom

Now remember that this post is just for fun.  Magical folk probably don’t abide by muggle laws either way.  Just to be clear, I am not an attorney, lawyer, barrister or solicitor.