Day 15

Can you believe it was only two weeks ago we got the first hint of bad news? Today Jarom and I went to talk to the monument company just up the street. We picked out a headstone for Tiny Baby.

If I were in a different frame of mind, or if we’d decided to wait longer to induce, I might have wanted to design a headstone myself. Most of the options they had were much too cutesy for my taste – Precious Moments angels and puppies and the like. It’s a little harder not knowing if Tiny Baby is a boy or girl, so I wanted something that could work for either gender. I don’t think I could pick out a headstone after the baby dies, which is why I wanted to get things lined up ahead of time. We ended up with this design – we can call in (or have a relative call) when the details are ready, and they’ll order the headstone and place it about 3 weeks after the burial.

Sometimes I imagine that “the upcoming loss of my baby” and the grief accompanying it is like a ball that’s at the end of a long string. I’m at the other end, and most of the time the ball is far away. I can function normally – or almost normally – as long as the ball is far enough in the distance that it’s just an object I can think about rationally and calmly. But at the end of the day, or in the middle of the day, or when I suddenly realize that I will actually have to bury my baby, I’m curled up with the ball. I just want to cry and hold onto how much it hurts.

It’s difficult for me to not know how I should feel or even how I do feel. If I’m having a good day, is it because I’m doing a great job of coping or because I’ve distanced myself from what’s happening? If I’m having a bad day, is it because I’m wallowing too much and I should try to distract myself? What if my day is good and bad? What if the reason everyone thinks I’m dealing with this so well is just because I don’t cry in front of anyone but Jarom?

For the most part, I do feel like life will be okay and we’ll gain a lot from this experience.

But I’d really rather have a healthy baby.

Day 12

Today was my first weekly appointment to check the baby’s heartbeat. Although the baby was very active around 5am, I lived most of my day in fear that there’d be no heartbeat by the afternoon. I was surprised that the nurse brought us into an exam room that had an ultrasound machine instead of just the small Doppler to listen for the heartbeat. And, I’ll be honest, I wondered how much I was going to end up paying for all these ultrasounds.

The practice I go to has 3 OBs, all of whom I’d met when I was pregnant with Evan and June. This was my first visit with Dr. L for this pregnancy, so he wanted to take a look at some of the things mentioned in the reports by the sonographers. Apparently they’ve been concerned about the possibility of me having placenta previa – a fact I’m sure I’ve been told, and I filed away under “Less of a big deal than losing my baby.” Dr. L showed me that it looks close, but shouldn’t be a problem. And then we got to see the baby’s beautifully beating heart. It was a huge relief and definitely worth whatever the ultrasound costs.

I guess the OB wanted to make sure we fully understood the diagnosis we’d been given, so we got to hear for third time that the baby has no chance of survival. But he also explained that the baby will, more likely than not, be born alive, and despite being unable to breathe will continue to live for about an hour.

Nothing has been on my mind so much as whether or not the baby would live for at least a few minutes. I have almost no control over this whole experience, and it’s become important to me that I get to hold the baby before he or she dies. I want it desperately. Dr. L’s comments have given me hope that I will cling to as tightly as I can.