However

Things that are still hard:

Seeing pictures of others’ newborns.

Finding out that friends are expecting.

Passing by baby clothes at the store.

Explaining to Evan, again, that Christian isn’t coming to our house. Ever.

Briefly thinking I’ll get a diet coke to make Tiny Baby wiggle and then remembering . . . that doesn’t happen anymore. I’m not pregnant. My baby died.

Suddenly feeling sad and knowing I may have moments like this for quite a while.

Moving on with life.

Questions

I know there are a lot of new people reading the blog, so I thought I’d give you a chance to ask any questions you have about Christian or the delivery or how we made arrangements – anything you might be wondering about, including how I’m coping (or not coping). Even if you’re a total stranger, go ahead. Any question is fair game as long as it’s respectful (so nothing like “How dare you [fill in the blank]?”), and I’ll reply to your questions in the comments. I may also do a separate post with the questions and answers, if I feel like it.

Ready? Go!

Comfort

I’m happy to say that the past few days have been incomparably better than Friday was. I expected Mother’s Day to be hard, and it was sad to have that particular reminder of my lost child, but we took flowers to Christian’s grave and I didn’t struggle with emotion while we were there. I was glad to be able to visit (it was my first time back since the burial), and I felt comforted knowing we can go back often. I also started keeping a journal of letters to Christian, which I think will be helpful for me to express my thoughts and feelings a little more intimately than I do here.

We were also able to pick up the pictures from Christian’s birth. Just days ago I think they would have been too hard for me to look at, but because of how much better I’ve felt, I really enjoyed getting them. These were taken by Heather Ellis, who worked with us as part of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.