Middle

I have absolutely no concept of “middle ground.” Case in point: realizing that I will most likely not get a 4.0 this semester, I’ve spent most of today not working on the 4 papers I have due this week.

Instead, I made cards with Evan and June (lots of stickers were involved), saw a counselor for the overwhelming anxiety that results from my all-or-nothing mindset, went to the grocery store with both kids and Jarom, skipped class, read the internet, started blogging, and waited for Doctor Who to load. (Season 6 isn’t available from any legitimate sites, so we have to watch from somewhat shady sites with names like megavidz.) Also, ate cinnamon graham crackers.

How do you find balance? How do you accept that you might be neither exceptional nor a failure? Seriously, I could use some help.

In other news, Evan and I made a countdown chair. We’ll be in California in two weeks!

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8 Comments on “Middle”

  1. Not much balance here, either. I think we might be related! ;)

  2. Bryan says:

    Going to a counselor has been really helpful for me as I deal with this issue myself. It’s one thing to understand theoretically that we’re all imperfect flawed fallen beings just doing the best we can, but another to believe concretely that I’m imperfect and flawed.

    I’ve also renamed my anxiety to “fear” and recast fear in my mind as a positive force. My ancestors survived through the millennia by being afraid – of tigers, of famine, of war: and their fear motivated them to prepare and confront their challenges. Without fear they would not have lived. The whole “we have nothing to fear but fear itself” line is misplaced in my life, I’ve given it up. It helps me tremendously to ask what my intuitive self is trying to tell me when I’m feeling anxious, so that I can take concrete action to prepare for the challenges that I fear. This has been key to avoiding perfectionism, because I can convert anxiety into action. Not that I always succeed, though. Life is hard.

    • Mika says:

      I read an article on the anxiety/fear distinction the other day – I think it was in Time. It talked about using your fear to fuel creativity and productivity.

  3. reneecgirl says:

    Maybe you just needed a day to unwind? Could that be your balance? Everyone needs a metal health day break every once in a while.

    • Mika says:

      I think you’re right! I’ve been trying to play more with Evan and June during the day, and really enjoy the unstructured, no-deadlines time. Also, I have hopes that a long train ride will be a good way to unwind. But with two toddlers in tow? We’ll see.

  4. Deborah says:

    I have no idea. Let me know when you figure it out. I didn’t get up and showered and ready to go this morning before 9, so of course, there is no point in trying to get anything done outside of the house today, right? And you know, as I think about it, I don’t know where I see balanced human beings who are happy being modeled…it’s always the people who are extreme one way or the other. Maybe we need a PSA for mediocrity.

    • Mika says:

      Haha. Please do make a PSA for mediocrity. I have such a hard time not going to extremes. When I was talking with the counselor, I said that I feel like I’m exceptional and everything I do should be exceptional. She asked what if I’m just not as capable as I think, at which point I switched completely to “Of course I can’t handle my life right now, it was so stupid to think I could do this, I never get anything right.”

      Also, showering before 9? Why on earth? That seems like a lot of effort.


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