Mika? Roni?

I keep coming back to this issue, so my apologies if you still haven’t gotten over my last post about it.

I really don’t feel like I have a personality. Seriously. Some of you (the Romgi) may chuckle again when I say that, but it’s how I feel. When I get to know someone, I give them a mental caption describing their personality. A short caption…maybe a Twitter post. I don’t think I have a caption. I can think of specific things that I like: stripes, argyle, picture frames. But those don’t define me – at least, I don’t want them to.

I found this entry in my awesome red journal, which may do nothing more than demonstrate that I have an identity crisis approximately every 2 years:

23 August 2005 – The genuine Mika

I blush easily. I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in 6 hrs 39 min. I used to make pterodactyl noises to make my sister laugh. I gave up chocolate for a while and now it doesn’t taste as good as it used to. I have six nieces and nephews who sometimes call my sister “Aunt Mika” because they remember my name. I want a puppy more than any other tangible thing right now. I have put my whole heart and energy into Academic Decathlon, learning how to cook, and my relationship with [the Romgi]. I am risking everything on him because he’s worth the worst heartache in the world. I play the Glad Game. I dislike driving on the freeway. I watch chick flicks. I enjoy learning and using formulas in Microsoft Excel. I have spent a long time disciplining myself to be a positive, optimistic person who never complains. I am fascinated by genealogy. I edit well. I can be cheered up by a mug of Ghiradelli’s gourmet hot chocolate. I use a guided imagery cd to fall asleep. I am a terrible liar. I love little kids. I don’t want a diamond ring. I write long letters. I am just beginning to understand myself.

Ok, so obviously either some of things have changed drastically or I was trying to be funny – “positive, optimistic person who never complains”? “I love little kids”? Wow, those are so NOT me. But anyway.

Part of this personality-lessness that I feel translates as social awkwardness. I don’t know how to come across as being sincere and genuine because I have no idea what I’m genuinely like. Also (and I know the Romgi thinks I’m beyond ridiculous for this) I cannot figure out how much eye contact is too much or too little. About a year ago I read something that mentioned eye contact is a really delicate social cue, and it’s hard to find the right balance of looking at the person but not staring – and ever since then, I can’t help but dwell on it. Honestly, whenever I’m talking to someone other than the Romgi or the Bwun (yes, it does happen, occasionally) a large portion of my consciousness is dedicated to making just the right amount of eye contact. It’s exhausting, and I think it contributes to my lack of sincerity…

Now, I hope that you’ll point out that I’m wrong, but I have this idea that motherhood tends to erase your identity, or at least blur it a lot. So I kind of want to feel that I had some identity in the first place to be blurred.

Help me out…what’s my caption? 140 characters or less!


4 Comments on “Mika? Roni?”

  1. Katie says:

    A clever girl who is an excellent cousin. The kind that listens to MxPx and Jimmy Eat World while making rubber ducky pajama pants.

    Okay, but really. I have always thought you were/are so cool! You used to keep a book of quotes of things that people would say. I remember that Summer when you stayed with us and we made pajama pants and you had your little book – I tried so hard to be clever enough to get in your book. And not the “ha ha Katie’s an idiot. Listen to what she just said”. Oh, and you’re the best Dr. Seuss quoter I know. Some brother of mine had a farewell and I think we had a conversation in Dr. Seuss quotes on the program. I think you are fantastic! I like who you are, even if you can’t put that into 140 characters or less. You’re 1 character – and that’s all it takes. :) (I know, a little cheesy – forgive me – but it’s true!)

  2. Melissa says:

    Were you able to take advantage of the fabulous amazon deal? i’m waiting for ours to come.

  3. kendy says:

    A whimsical song that makes you smile. A superheroine who triumphs with her heart and smarts.

    I think Katie’s right, though, you can’t put someone’s personality into 140 characters or less. There is so much more to you. You’re my big sister and I’ve always looked up to you. You’ve got a love and a curiosity for the world and the people in it. I don’t think motherhood blurs your personality at all; rather, it brings a whole new dimension to it. You’ve survived our family and started a wonderful one of your own. Though we’ve had our hard times together and individually, you’ve always been one of the best parts of my life. I love ya, sis. Don’t change.

  4. Bethany says:

    Sorry Mika, I am not good at being sincere either, I always feel like I’m going to come off dorky. However, I do think you are an amazing woman. I’ve always looked up to you too. You are very clever, witty. You seem to love the world and find out about it. You love to read and learn new things. Sorry again, these things probably aren’t helping you find your personality. Turn to the Lord for that. Pray about it and pray to find out who you are. Heavenly Father knows and loves you. You are his daughter and he can tell you exactly who you are!

    To some degree I think motherhood has “blurred” my personality and I think it’s because when I become a mom my life was turned around to taking care of two happy and adventurous little boys. I’m no longer constantly thinking about myself (not that I started out conceited but I didn’t have anyone else to think about in my own little world except for myself and Jason). I am now doing the same things over and over and have little time to do “the things I want to do”. There’s a time and season for everything, I’ve learned. I want to go out and do service but it’s hard with two little boys so I’ve decided to find other ways I can serve by doing something at home that can benefit others like making a meal or something.

    You’ll find yourself, don’t stress about it.

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