no end in sight

the name of a pretty good country song by katrina elam, but more importantly, the opposite of how I feel about pscu right now.

I was at work until 5 today — which is very late, considering I got there at 6am and had a half-hour lunch. rather long day. but almost everything has been passed off to final qc…tomorrow (and I’m sorry to say that the workday will start at 5:30am tomorrow) I just have to figure out why there are extra images in one folder, and rename and recopy another thousand images. oh yeah, and make the rescan lists and loader files. but those last two things will only take half an hour, maybe an hour at most. do you know what this means? the project will be over by the end of the day! ok…not quite true. mick jr is going back on monday to finish the rest of the rescans, and those will have to be incorporated, but that’s so small in comparison to all we’ve been through till now. ah, what a relief it will be.

in the past six months or so I’ve found that I feel a lot better when I can put my thoughts and emotions into words — tie them down, as it were. example: yesterday I realized that lately I’ve been restless. that’s so much easier to fix than knowing that something is distinctly wrong, but not being able to pinpoint what or why that something is. I don’t mean that suddenly I know exactly how to stop being restless. I guess I’m saying that at this point I can step back and try being objective, detaching myself from the emotion, instead of just wallowing in the nameless feeling, helpless. (that was kind of a fun sentence to write.)

I got an email from nemelka yesterday. it was really good to hear from her. I wish sometimes that we could still be such close friends as when we were roommates, but I know her life is going where she wants it to. and it makes me so happy. I’m dreadfully excited for the baby.

and now, a confession: I’m not nearly as clever as I’ve always thought. lately I can’t seem to get anything right; I mess up at work, I forget what words mean, really basic ideas elude me until after the fact. what’s going on?

another confession: the only thing I wish for right now is something I can’t have — someone to hold me. and I don’t mean a boyfriend (or to take it a step further, fiancé, or further, husband), just a best friend. he would hold me any old time, because that’s the kind of friends we were. of course, if we were that kind of best friends then eventually we’d probably decide to get married, or break things off completely, and neither of those looms in my future. so no best friend. no being held. (very unfortunate; I’d say being held is on my list of top 8 favorite things.)

on an upbeat note again…I’m wearing my silk pjs, and about to go take a nap. it’s going to be lovely, and I plan to enjoy it thoroughly.

restless

“I just can’t stand bein’ alone…
gonna have to change that someday.
there’s a restless feelin’ in my bones and I know
that at times, it just won’t go away…”
-alison krauss & union station

earlier I read duchess’ blog — these people I know only through the 100 hour board, I read their blogs sometimes because novel concept mentions them frequently, and links to them — and a few days ago she brought up a lot of the same feelings I’ve had lately. and novel made a comment that said the magic word…restless. I feel lonely and restless. I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to have something different. probably that’s part of why I bought the car; not because I want to drive far, but because it’s a change. it sets one day apart from another.

I watched groundhog day tonight. I suppose that should sort of inspire me, that if I’m having to live through days that are all the same, I ought to be improving myself. acquiring new skills. becoming the person I want to be. well, of course — that’s what life is, whether every day is exciting or blah. but it feels like I can’t change. like I need outside change before I can have inside change. I’ve never understood this part of my thinking process — even when I know an idea is irrational, like the idea that I need outside change before inside, I still believe it. listen to this: “mika, there’s plenty of proof that you can change the way you are without changing the way everything else is.” logic. and yet here’s my mental response: “but, mika, you can’t. other people can. maybe you could in the past. but right now, it ain’t gonna work.”

there’s also the overarching problem. I don’t believe in my pirate captain. or in my cowboy, or my prince, or even my best friend. it’s too much to expect, and I won’t lower my expectations. so, at least temporarily, I’ve accepted my seemingly inevitable fate as miss mika forever. never mrs. somebody. at work the question has been brought up a lot recently, “are you going to be staying around here for a while?” the implication is that I might get married

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sorry for the cutoff. twenty minutes later I wrapped up the entry and clicked “publish post,” at which point I got a message about an internal error. I tried going back but the rest of the blog had been lost somewhere in cyberspace, and I have no desire to try rewriting it. wasn’t really interesting, anyway, just rambling more about marriage and blah blah blah blah blah my water? the only interesting thing was an update about my new car, and the surrounding drama. the truth is that there is no surrounding drama. my dad hasn’t said anything about the car, except to tell my mom we needed to call our insurance company to get it covered, and my mom offered to go pick up my old car from antioch tomorrow. perhaps they’re going to let me learn from this “mistake,” if it turns out to be such. hmm. we’ll see.