crime and punishment

I bought it. the parents are not happy. well, my mom is the only one home right now. “I wish you had talked to us about this first,” she said. “the engine in your old car has just been fixed. we know it’s good.” I reminded her that she said I was welcome to sell that car. “yeah, well, I thought you would discuss it first,” was her reply.

yeah, well…I wish they had discussed my car with me first, too. remember that one time, when the car died, and it cost a lot of money to fix? I’m more than happy to concede that having the car fixed means it can be sold, which is good. but the whole not asking me thing. it just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve had some long talks with mick sr recently, and I absolutely am not letting him “replace” my parents in any way, nor is he trying to undermine their authority, but I think I ought to be able to make big decisions when I feel the need to. or maybe even when I simply want to. of course some of them will be mistakes. I need to make mistakes, though. I wouldn’t learn enough if I did everything right. (I know because I used to do everything right, and it got boring.) anyhow, whether for better or worse, I wanted this to be a choice I made all on my own. so maybe I don’t know all there is to know about cars. but…maybe neither does my dad. maybe I paid close attention last time he and I were shopping for a car, and tried to follow that example this time. maybe it isn’t the end of the world that I went out and did something without having my hand held, or the decision made for me.

the problem in all of this is that if I say I was trying to be independent and more grownup, my parents will turn it around to tell me that I acted like an immature teenager. but I don’t think I did. well, alright, I purposely did not seek their counsel on this car thing, but maybe right now in my life that was something I needed to do. to be just mika, making a choice, and having the experience of being right or wrong about it. it seems like there’s nothing else to experience lately, except work…which doesn’t count for a whole lot, in the grand scheme of things.

this morning before work I checked my email, and there was a note from ryan informing me that he’s joined the blog world. I don’t know why yet, but after reading his blog entry I had a smile on my face, and though not much went right today, I feel happier. like things will eventually go right. (the “discussion” later tonight may be a huge setback in that timetable, but we’ll see.)

I got a call from aubrey yesterday — she’ll be living in sacramento for part of the summer! selling alarm systems, of course. (of course.) it will be her and about 20 guys. hopefully she brings a cowboy or two along. interestingly enough, they’ll be here in mid-june, right about when jarom comes home. support for mika. very helpful.

my headaches have started up again. since saturday. don’t know why.

in the other room I can hear my brother asking my mom something…the question isn’t important, it’s her tone when she answers. exponential irritation. definitely from the car. man oh man. can they take the car away, I wonder? it’s in my name; I paid for it; they’ll have to drive me around in the meantime. would punishment even work? what is there to take away from me? and do I deserve punishment? what exactly is my crime — making a (somewhat impulsive) choice?

when mick jr told me the other day about the company going downhill very, very quickly, I didn’t feel as upset as maybe I should have. it seems to open more possibilities. this job is what keeps me in fairfield. nothing else. I could go anywhere. of course that would mean paying rent, or finding someone to mooch off of, plus buying food, or finding someone to mooch off of. but it could be done. where do you think I should go?

aha…my dad is getting up from his nap now. this is the absolute worst time to tell him about the car, yet guess what my mom is doing. telling him about the car. fabulous.