catharsis

I got angry today. honestly and truly angry, like I haven’t been since december. it’s never a good thing, I know, and I hate that I allow myself to get angry. or stay angry. I also hate being upset with someone as dear to me as ryan; I seldom have reason to be upset with him, and I don’t know that I can say I really did today.

the thing is, though, I’m not angry with him now — I mean that the anger I felt was directed at him in the past. historical anger? is that a ridiculously abstract concept? it’s the only term I can think of for it. anyhow, for a brief moment my historical anger flashed forward, and something I shouldn’t have said slipped out of my mouth.

for a long time I’ve been hurt by the fact that ryan jerked me around so much after we broke up. of course at the time it didn’t seem like he was doing that; we both wanted to spend time with each other, we were such good friends, right? over the summer after freshman year I remember telling him that I wasn’t sure if the last time I’d seen him he kissed me because I was me, or because I was a girl there to kiss. he replied that if I was there in front of him he’d have a hard time not kissing me. I thought it was a great answer, but later I figured out he didn’t answer the question. not the real question, at least. and it’s the same question that’s pestered me these past two years. I know exactly why I kept letting him be so important to me and letting him act the way he did towards me: I was still in love, and I wanted him back. part of me was convinced that he wouldn’t behave that way towards me if he didn’t also want me back. I trusted him.

the problem is that I think he abused that trust. and it may not have been intentional, and he may have rationalized any doubts he had about whether or not it would hurt me. but from where I am now, I look back and see very little to make me think he was trying to heal the heart he broke.

I explained much of this to ryan this afternoon, and he seemed like he understood. I guess I was expecting an apology. of some sort, of any sort, something that made it sound like he was sorry for hurting me. he thanked me for apologizing. but maybe he’s still upset with me, and not ready to be sorry, if he even thinks he needs to be sorry.

another weird thing — when I think of ryan back then, I have a hard time connecting him with the ryan I’m best friends with now. I know they’re the same person, but in a way, to me they’re not. maybe because I feel like such a completely different person now from who I was then; but ryan two years ago is vague and faceless. not the ryan who sings me bedtime songs and gets excited for twelve-pound tuesday.

a few weeks ago I stopped trusting him, ryan-now, for about 10 minutes. I hated it, and decided even if it was illogical I was going to trust him completely again. always. if for no other reason than because I need to put my faith in someone wholeheartedly, and believe that they’re good. today has gone all downhill, but I’m turning it around right now. I’m done being angry. I’m done distrusting ryan, historically or currently. I’m done letting the past ruin something as good as I’ve got going with him.

in 12th grade jarom and I got in a fight. (ha, understatement. we got in so many fights I don’t think there’s a number that big.) it was about something really stupid, like I didn’t remind him that an essay was due that day, so he hadn’t done it, and it was my fault. of course I thought there was no reason for him to be upset with me. so I got angry and defensive, and we were both too stubborn to talk reasonably. I wrote a short journal entry during 3rd period about how awful I felt — I hated being in a fight with him. so during lunch I apologized and made up, even though I still didn’t see why I should be sorry that he couldn’t keep track of his assignments. but having things mended between us was important enough to be sorry whether I needed to be sorry or not.

I want to mend things between ryan and I. obviously I’d prefer to have him meet me halfway, help me fix things. jarom just accepted my apology, and at first that made me angry all over again. but I had to remind myself then, and I’m having to do it now, that I care enough about this person to move on without getting the response I want. without my feelings being fixed by him. I’ll have to feel better my own way.

catharsis is an excellent way.

that is all.

p.s. that is not quite all. it just occurred to me that maybe ryan treats this so lightly because he’s already moved past it. I apologized, he forgot the whole thing. and maybe he expects me to forgive and forget just as easily. in terms of one-or-one-thousand, he’s a thousand good and one bad. one bad in the distant past, even. not something new. so why should I let it affect how I feel towards him then or now? I’m completely exhausted at this point from yelling and fuming and crying (all of which were, by the way, exquisitely cathartic), and ready to let the one thousand take over. I haven’t got the energy or the desire to crusade for the one.

and so, ryan, I hope your date went well. you deserve someone to make you smile.