Preschool
Posted: September 5, 2013 Filed under: Dangerous Book for Boys Leave a commentEarly this year I started looking at preschools in the area and decided they were all more expensive than I cared to budget. I was going to have a newborn toward the end of summer, anyway, so it seemed like bad timing. Once I found out I wouldn’t have a newborn at home I also heard that our elementary school offered a free preschool and I was SOLD on that idea. Today was Evan’s first day!
He goes twice a week in the afternoons, and his best friend is in his class. While that may be a little trickier for the teacher, it makes it possible to carpool! When I picked him up today he told me that they played with play dough, sat on the shapes rug with their legs crossed (he called it “applesauce” and was delighted that I knew “criss-cross applesauce”), learned a song about sea creatures, read a story about a monster who goes to preschool and has to learn all the rules, and had a snack. Then I asked him these questions that I hope I can remember to ask next year – if not, at least it was fun this one time!
Who is your favorite person in the whole world? Cooper
What is your favorite color? Green
What is your favorite tv show? Jurassic Park
What is your favorite outfit? The Superman costume that Grandma Marla made
What sport do you like best? The animal one where you touch stuff
What song do you love? Pufferbellies (“Down by the Station”)
What is your favorite cereal? Bird cereal (Fruit Loops)
Who is your best friend? Cooper
What do you want to be when you grow up? A fireman
What is your favorite book? All About Microbes
What are you really good at? Pretend fighting
Where do you wish you could go on vacation? The mountains
What is your best memory? Hiking with Pa
What would you buy if you had $1,000? Everything
What is your favorite food? Meat
If you could have a wish, what would it be? To have a real pretend green toy car like the 5-year-old girl next door
What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate
Who is your biggest hero? Pa
What do you like to do most with your friends? Play Jurassic Park
What do you hope you’ll get to do in school this year? Play
(I adapted the questionnaire from this birthday interview.)
Anguish
Posted: August 22, 2013 Filed under: The Story of a Mother 3 CommentsNo matter how often I tell myself to expect to come down after a period of good days, it always shocks me that I can still feel so miserable. After the baby shower I hosted recently, the whole house was clean, we were eating dinner at the kitchen table every night, and I was doing really well. Of course, it didn’t last.
I know it’s logical and normal and expected that I’ll have a hard time for months, years to come. But on some level I keep hoping that when I feel good, it’s because I’ve made great progress toward healing and things will keep getting better. Overall, yes, I do think I’m making progress and I feel much better than I did four months ago – but how foolish of me to hope there wouldn’t be any more pain.
I hate seeing babies. I don’t hate babies – I just can’t stand the anguish of having buried my baby. Of not only knowing but of feeling, over and over again, that I’ll never hold Christian or watch him grow up or send him to his room for being naughty. He’s missing from my life and it’s a huge, gaping hole. I hate how severely grief hurts. Before all of this, “grief” was just a word. Now it’s almost tangible.
On good days I barely remember what this despair is like. When it comes back, though, I wonder how I’ll ever get back to normal.
Myself
Posted: August 16, 2013 Filed under: All's Well That Ends Well 4 CommentsI am slowly, slowly starting to feel more like myself again. And it surprises me – mostly because I hadn’t realized how much I’ve changed. I don’t know whether I started feeling well enough to get things done, or whether I started feeling better because I was getting things done. It was probably a combination of the two. But I cleaned; I made a menu and a shopping list and went to the grocery store; I cooked dinner; I threw a baby shower (bad idea); and I remembered that I used to feel a certain way. A way that I seldom feel lately.
If you have glasses or contacts, think of how the world looks without them on. It’s like I had been seeing everything blurry, but without realizing it was blurry. And when I finally could see again, it was refreshing and exhilarating and joyful. (I have terrible vision, so this analogy works well for me.) Last week we were sitting eating dinner at the kitchen table (for the first time in months!) and it occurred to me that we used to be like this – I used to feel like life was moving forward. Even if one day was awfully similar to the next, things still happened. For the past few months everything has been paused and suspended. Time passed, but life was stuck. I was stuck.
I’m sure I’ll have more days where I feel stuck. Although it’s hard for me to accept, I know the ups and downs will be with me for a while, so I don’t delude myself that this period of good feelings is permanent. But it gives me hope. I love finding out that even with all that’s happened, I’m still me. Because you know what? I like me.
Jarom
Mika
hilleries 