No matter how often I tell myself to expect to come down after a period of good days, it always shocks me that I can still feel so miserable. After the baby shower I hosted recently, the whole house was clean, we were eating dinner at the kitchen table every night, and I was doing really well. Of course, it didn’t last.

I know it’s logical and normal and expected that I’ll have a hard time for months, years to come. But on some level I keep hoping that when I feel good, it’s because I’ve made great progress toward healing and things will keep getting better. Overall, yes, I do think I’m making progress and I feel much better than I did four months ago – but how foolish of me to hope there wouldn’t be any more pain.

I hate seeing babies. I don’t hate babies – I just can’t stand the anguish of having buried my baby. Of not only knowing but of feeling, over and over again, that I’ll never hold Christian or watch him grow up or send him to his room for being naughty. He’s missing from my life and it’s a huge, gaping hole. I hate how severely grief hurts. Before all of this, “grief” was just a word. Now it’s almost tangible.

On good days I barely remember what this despair is like. When it comes back, though, I wonder how I’ll ever get back to normal.


3 Comments on “Anguish”

  1. Betty Jo Lewis says:

    Dear Mika,

    I am a usually not a facebooker. I have seen your post several times and have mourned and prayed for you. I too lost a baby, but didn’t get to see her breathe or feel her heart beat out of my womb. She died at child birth and there was heartache, anguish, and an emptiness for a while. But I have come to know that God loves his children, ALL of them. And though I think of her often and miss her touch, I find her thinking of me at the temple. And when those anguish feelings come, I remember that God loved her first and gave me a chance for a small moment to be her mom. I also go to temple to feel God’s love for me. He wants to encircle us in the arms of his love. He knows this is hard and will and does give us time to heal. He says, “Come unto to me, and I will heal you.”

    In the mean time I am grateful he has given me other people to love and also people who love me. For without this love I would be lost. I also know that he has taught me patience to wait for a wonderful reunion. For you know the best things are worth waiting for. So Mika be patient in your healing and love the people that are surrounding you now. Don’t be afraid of those emptiness feeling, because they come, just know it is a time to reach for your Father in Heaven. Trust Him. He will encircle you with his love and heal you.

    I love you,
    Aunt Betty Jo

  2. Carole Lewis says:

    I cannot speak from my own personal experience, but if I could, I would want to have the ability to say the same things–and as beautifully– as Betty Jo has said. Take heart, Mika, and please count me as one of those “people [who] are surrounding you now.” My love to you. Carole

  3. Serena says:

    Know that there are people you don’t even know rooting for you. Praying for peace and healing. Thank you Mika for sharing this personal journey of grief and loss. Your words are profound and comforting. I find myself wanting to check up on you. My hope for you is that the good days become more bountiful and those sorrow filled days become less. They will always be there just hopefully less pain filled. Christian was your beautiful boy and he always will be.

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