5 Ridiculous Things I Secretly Plan For
Posted: January 12, 2011 Filed under: Importance of Being Earnest 6 CommentsI like to live the Boy Scout motto: “Be Prepared.” When your mind is wandering what do you think about? Sugarplums? Taxes? The rule against perpetuities? Not me. I assess the situation I am in and prepare for ridiculous scenarios. If we’re ever in the same room, and I have that glazed look on my eyes, I’m probably planning for a:
5. Nuclear Attack
Don't worry, I've got this one.
I’m not sure why I think of this one so frequently. Maybe I’ve watched too many of those 1960s era PSA’s. Maybe I’ve just watched too many movies (I’m looking at you Dr. Strangelove). Whatever the reason, it can’t hurt to be prepared, right?
Preparation:
Not really much you can do. Always be aware of your surroundings. You could always keep a pocket knife on you in case you are thrust into a survival situation. Yeah, a pocket knife.
When it happens:
Look for what appears to be the sturdiest wall in the room I am in. Don’t go near any windows because when they blow out, you could get severely damaged by the glass. Also don’t go near anything that could fall on you. I estimate that 80% of my day is spent in close proximity to bookshelves that could, conceivably crush me, so yes, this is a valid concern. At school, I would rather be in a classroom that in the library; the library has lots of windows and glass to injure you. Also, books. Lots of books. The classrooms were built during the 70s, when people were thinking about “what if we get hit by a nuke.” I am pretty sure they are safe.
Long term:
Obviously, there are concerns about the long-term health effects of radiation exposure. I would pick a direction and start walking (or if possible driving). The goal is to get as far away from the fallout as possible. You don’t want to go to where the next bomb is going to go off, so some place remote and unpopulated is ideal.
4. High Speed Chase
In this car.
Let me add a small caveat. When I think of this, I always assume that nobody will get hurt, and the roads are clear (and I won’t have an insurance rate spike). I’m never sure what sort of situation would lead to a high speed chase, but I figured it is better to be ready than unprepared.
Preparation:
Simplest way to avoid a car chase? Don’t make anybody angry. That includes the police and the mafia. If you live a lifestyle where this is not an option, then I suggest getting a small car with an excellent suspension and handling. You’re going to be taking lots of turns at high speeds, remember? You need something practical to get you around. Also, watch lots of Top Gear (If you have any dignity you’ll just watch the British version).
When it happens:
The goal is to get to the freeway and not let your foot off the gas. Granted, this type of driving tends to burn through the gas quickly, so have someplace in mind that you are going to. On the run from the mafia? go to the police station. Deadly assassins? best to try and lose them before you go home. Always keep in mind who is following you, always.
Long term:
You’re going to have to get a new car. If they’ve been chasing you, they obviously know what kind of car you drive. Change cars and lay low for a while.
3. Zombie Apocalypse
Barely registers as a threat
Much has been said about what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse, so I know this isn’t the most original entry. But it never hurts to have a little something extra planned out.
Preparation:
I guess this all depends on the type of zombie we are talking about. I don’t really believe in magic, so let’s assume this is a highly-contagious virus that changes people into zombie-like creatures. Now that we have that established, I think the best preparation you can have is to stay in shape. Zombies aren’t exactly known for their speed or agility, so the best defense is to be fast and nimble. Keep a healthy supply of food and tools on hand. Food keeps you strong, and tools can often double as weapons in a pinch.
When it happens:
Stay calm. Don’t try to meet up with family or friends unless you are absolutely sure they have not been infected. Yes, family is important, but do you really want NOBODY from your family to survive? Also, despite what may seem to be a great idea, don’t go to the gun store. Of all the places to try and get supplies, the gun store is probably the worst idea. Don’t you think the owner is prepared (and willing) to defend his store? Don’t go to the grocery store, there will be a lot of people there trying to get supplies. Where there are lots of people, there are lots of germs. The goal here isn’t to kill as many zombies as possible, it is survival.
Long term:
Head north; go slowly. Zombies are not prized for their intelligence, and the further north you go, the colder it will get. Get far enough north and the zombies will turn into meatsicles. Of course, you will need winter clothes for you to survive, but zombies just wander around waiting for brains to come their way. They will freeze as they wander around the frozen wasteland that is Canada.
2. Deserted Island Survival
Just hope the Dharma initiative didn't find this one.
Many islands that can reasonably be inhabited, are inhabited. If you end up on an island with nobody else on it, be prepared for a rough ride.
Preparation:
Considering that the most likely reason you will end up on a deserted island is from surviving an ocean landing from an airplane, there isn’t much you can do to prepare in terms of equipment. Know at least the basics of how to swim and dive underwater. Know several decent knots and how to make a wooden spear. Know how to make some simple traps couldn’t hurt either.
When it happens:
Let’s assume that you have survived the crash, and that you are now on the island. You are probably exhausted from your swim, and want to curl up and take a nap. Remember, without food or water to replenish you, this may be the most energy you have for a while. After you catch your breath, it would probably be a good idea to circle your island to see if there are any fresh water sources that run to the sea. Keep a lookout for food sources that are easily accessible and easy to store.
Long term:
Build a shelter and get a small fire going. Try to keep the fire going and do what you can to not go crazy. Recite poetry. Write down something every day, even if it is just in the sand. Keep plenty of food and water and hope for the best. At least you won’t catch the zombie virus!
1. Velociraptors
The ultimate terror
Ever since I saw Jurassic Park as a kid (I believe I saw it about 14 times in theater), I have been preparing for this.
Preparation:
According to the movie, the one thing velociraptors cannot due is hack computers. In real life, a general awareness of your surroundings coupled with physical fitness should be enough to keep you safe . . . for a little while.
When it happens:
For this scenario, my goal is generally to get up where the raptors cannot reach you. These guys can jump pretty high, so you need to get up high and stay there for a while. I usually see if there is some high ledge that you can get onto. Or the roof of a house. Really, they’re going to eat you no matter what, so there isn’t much you can do.
Long term:
You will be dead. There is no long term.
Sharing
Posted: January 11, 2011 Filed under: All's Well That Ends Well 1 Comment(I swear I’ve written this post before, but I can’t find it anywhere. Sorry if it all sounds old.)
When the Romgi and I got married, we were both startled to learn that I had some very…outdated notions on how life should be. For instance, until this summer I insisted quite strongly that while the Romgi’s responsibility was to go to work (or school) to provide for us, my responsibilities included just about every single other thing that goes on in our household. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, errands, menu planning, laundry, and basically allowing the Romgi to come home from work and find a pristine, happy home where he could relax. I know this sounds rather unequal from a modern point of view. On some level I’d still like to argue that having the women’s “domestic sphere” may simply be a different way of dividing things, not necessarily a wrong way. But that’s not what I want to get into right now.
While we were in North Carolina, I reached a breaking point. I blame the air mattress and out-of-control humidity (or maybe just pregnancy). I couldn’t fulfill all of my self-imposed responsibilities and retain any sort of sanity, energy, or happiness. I felt overwhelmed and, frankly, humiliated. I had three years of failed [personal] expectations weighing on me; I hated admitting that I wasn’t good enough to do all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, errands, menu planning, and laundry. Not just to do them, but to be on top of those duties – to be in that constant state of fabled “togetherness” where life is under control and I never got frazzled or lost my temper.
(Are you amused? Or do you feel the same way, to some extent?)
I spent an evening sobbing (hormones. I blame hormones.) and explaining to the Romgi that I was sorry, but I couldn’t do everything. The Romgi patiently, as with all the other times we had the same conversation, explained that he didn’t expect me to do everything. He understood much better than I did that we have limits, as individuals, as spouses, and as parents. Somewhere in the discussion a light went on for me. I thought back to when the Romgi and I were both working full-time, the summer after he graduated. If we both put in 8 hours of (paid) work, it would seem odd – and unfair – for me to do all of the housework. So why did I assume that me looking after the kids for 8 hours while the Romgi was away didn’t count as work? Why put all the weight of doing the cooking, cleaning, childcare, errands, menu planning, and laundry on me? The Romgi said it wasn’t fair, and I finally agreed. He offered to completely take over the cooking (best deal ever) and we’d share the rest.
Lately we’ve been doing a LOT of sharing. The Romgi is at school during the day; I’m at school in the evening. It’s like we’re both working and trying to raise two kids. Yeah, we’re pretty crazy. Our house is slowly getting cleaner – a miracle, considering how busy I know we both feel. But it’s nice to have gotten over my “I must do everything, selflessly and uncomplainingly” ideology, and not be worried that I’m ruining the Romgi’s world by asking him to watch the kids, do some laundry, run some errands. In fact, life is more stressful than it ever has been before, but when you share the stress it really isn’t that bad. I’d even go so far as to say, my life is great.
Just thought I’d share.
Picture books
Posted: January 10, 2011 Filed under: Book of Sand Leave a commentKersplatypus
by Susan K. Mitchell / illustrated by Sherry Rogers
A baby platypus doesn’t know what he is or where he belongs. Other Australian animals try to help him. I found the illustrations mediocre and the plot annoying. One animal, the blue-tongued skink, constantly berates and mocks the platypus, then later gets his comeuppance by falling on a rock himself. This isn’t really the sort of message I want the Bwun to get from a book (or movie, or real life). I don’t necessarily look for books that will teach big lessons, but I do object to bad lessons snuck into the books I do get. Skip it.
A Day with Wilbur Robinson
{written and illustrated} by William Joyce
This was the basis for the film Meet the Robinsons, and I love Joyce’s book George Shrinks, so A Day with Wilbur Robinson seemed like a sure hit. The illustrations were fun, but, as with the film, there wasn’t much of a plot. It was simply a compilation of the kooky things that happen at the Robinson household. I think the story could be improved. Skip this and read George Shrinks instead.
Jungle Song
by Miriam Moss and Adrienne Kennaway
A baby tapir goes exploring in the lush rainforest, listening to the jungle song describing the many animals he encounters. The watercolor illustrations are off-the-charts amazing. Unfortunately, they’re accompanied by amateur rhymes and sloppy cadence. I do actually recommend looking through this book, but don’t feel bad about skipping the text entirely.
Jarom
Mika
hilleries 