Just like Finding Nemo
Posted: May 27, 2014 Filed under: The Story of a Mother, War and Peace 2 CommentsDo you remember the part in Finding Nemo where Marlin is trying to leave Dory behind? He attempts to explain tactfully why he doesn’t want her to come with him anymore. “I can’t afford any more delays and you’re one of those fish that causes delays. Sometimes it’s a good thing. There’s a whole group of fish. They’re . . . delay fish.” And after Dory worries that he doesn’t like her, he says, “It’s because I like you I don’t want to be with you. It’s a . . . complicated emotion.”
I have complicated emotions lately.
Everyone is pregnant. Close friends and family, acquaintances, people I vaguely recognize from our neighborhood. And those who aren’t pregnant have just had babies. In the past few weeks I’ve had at least 4 people tell me they’re expecting.
And they’re so excited.
I want to be excited for them.
But a little bit, I’m just heartbroken?
This was all compounded by seeing my not-quite-5-month-old nephew this past weekend. I avoided him at first; then in a moment of “That baby realllllllllly needs help going to sleep” I offered to rock him to sleep to give my father-in-law a break. And holding this little baby, having him snuggle against me clutching his blanket . . . it was awful and wonderful. Extremely awful and extremely wonderful. I will never rock Christian to sleep. I’ll never be frustrated that he’s still awake despite my best efforts to put him down for a nap. I don’t get to see him happily clutch a favorite blanket.
I can’t even hold him. He’s gone.
It seems like it would be nice to have a new baby. One that I could grumble about and cuddle with and be miserably tired with. And I think if I had a baby, not to replace Christian but to help me heal, I might not have such complicated emotions about other people’s babies. Since that isn’t an option, I’m left with conflicting feelings of heartache, jealousy, excitement, guilt, and aloneness.
So if you’ve recently told me you’re expecting, or if you’ve recently had a baby, and I haven’t seemed particularly thrilled – I’m sorry. I wouldn’t be bothered (at least, not so much) by a stranger having a baby – it really is because I like you that I don’t want to be around you sometimes. It’s a complicated emotion.
The kidlets
Posted: May 7, 2014 Filed under: Dangerous Book for Boys, Little Women Leave a commentSo. Evan is 5 now; June is 3 (and a half). This is what they’re like right now:
Evan has learned what “I’m bored” means. Oh heavens. Since I’m not a particularly I-want-to-play-all-the-time kind of mom, my brain isn’t full of constructive ideas for projects and activities that he can do. Mostly he plays with his best friend Cooper, who is also 5, who lives 3 houses down, who is unfortunately moving at the end of this month. What are we going to do then?! Cooper has a fenced backyard with a swingset. It’s been so nice to just let my kids go over and play without worrying, since we have neither a backyard nor a fence at our house. And given that Cooper will be moving so soon, I don’t mind letting Evan play as much as he wants. It must be hard to have your best friend move at that age.
The school year is ending in a few weeks, so I do have some tentative plans for summer projects and fun things to do. Otherwise I’ll just replace Evan with a recording of “Mama, I’m boooooooored” and me with a recording of “Did you clean your room yet?” Evan has loved preschool, more or less. There have been some big battles with getting him to agree to wear clothes (instead of pajamas or swim trunks) to school, and he’s refused to go at least twice – because of said battles. But when he does go, he has a blast. His teacher is great, and although Cooper is in his class, Evan has made new friends too.
He’s a solid sleeper. He gave up napping at 18 months, but traded it for consistent 12-hour nights. Deal! Evan usually wakes up on his own rested and happy in the morning. He falls asleep easily at bedtime, too, which is a huge blessing.
June, however, would probably rather not sleep at all. Ever. She’s gotten better recently, but for a while she’d stay awake in bed until 10 or 11 every night – and still get up with Evan in the morning. And not nap.
She has picked up quite a few bad habits from Evan, things that we’ve been working on with him and haven’t quite resolved yet. Most notably: anger. Okay, so this is my fault. Really. I have a bad temper and I have gotten so much better over the past year, but sometimes I still just – it’s so frustrating – why won’t they just listen to me! You know what it’s like, right? Anyway, there was a month or two where Evan would try threatening me if he didn’t like what I said. Things like “If you don’t let me eat a cookie, I’ll take your pillowcase off of your pillow and hide it in my room!” (He wasn’t very good at threats. At first.) He’s gotten past it, but toward the end it turned into “Just let me have a cookie and I’ll be nice” which to me is just a turned-around version of his earlier threats. Now June says stuff like that all the time, in a very angry June voice. With a very angry June face. I’m working on correcting this behavior . . . but it’s a lot harder when her angry face and voice are so amusing.
Aside from that, June is constantly playing ponies. She has an extensive collection of toy ponies, both My Little versions and realistic ones, and has (on more than one occasion) introduced herself to someone as Starlite. More often than not she is pretending to be a pony. When we’re driving somewhere and see horses, she shouts, “LOOK PONIES! Can I ride them?” I personally don’t understand this obsession as I was never into horses; Jarom says it’s a typical little girl thing. Huh.
One of the things I like most about June is how independent she is (when she’s comfortable). Even as a baby, she’d wander off into another room by herself. She, unlike Evan, is never bored; she makes up games and finds things to do on her own. When Evan goes to school I basically have free time because June wants to play alone. It’s pretty nice. And I’m sure it’s good for her creativity or something. Yeah?
Oh, and she sings. A lot. Jarom and I noticed from the time June started talking that she memorizes songs (both words and melody) very quickly. She learned the alphabet way before Evan because she knew the song. I love hearing her make up songs in her room, usually about ponies and dinosaurs. Together.
I decided not to put June in preschool this fall. After talking with Evan’s teacher, I’m going to try having her do preschool next year (when she’s turning 5) and then skipping to first grade the following year. If she did preschool this year, she’d be in the 3-year-old class, which is a very . . . um . . . well, I don’t think it would benefit June much. As much as I’d like to have a few hours every week by myself, I’m glad to keep her home with me for another year.
And Christian is still dead, so no updates there.
Seven years
Posted: May 5, 2014 Filed under: Romgi the Enigma 6 CommentsToday Jarom and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary. Since we got married we have…
- moved twice (this seems like a low number!)
- graduated with a BA (Jarom, 2008), a BS (Mika, 2012), and a JD (Jarom, 2012)
- held 8 jobs
- had 3 kids (Evan, 2009; June, 2010; Christian, 2013)
- bought a house
- had 4 cars (and only 1 currently running)
- traveled from coast to coast
- been to 4 family reunions
- gotten 9 new niblings (6 nieces and 3 nephews)
- survived car problems, health problems, financial problems, parenting problems, and the death of our baby
- been to the ER at least a dozen times
- had 7 pets (3 lizards, 3 rats, and a dog)
- attended 5 weddings and 2 funerals
- stayed friends, stayed married, still like and love each other
Way to go, us! We’re headed for Korean food and ice cream tonight.




