Unmotivated
Posted: July 25, 2013 Filed under: The Story of a Mother, War and Peace Leave a commentEvery physical reminder I have of Christian fits into a box that sits on top of our piano. So sometimes I begin to wonder if I made the whole thing up. I was pregnant, right? Did this really happen? The world keeps going on, but it seems like I’m stuck dwelling on Christian’s death. Is that normal? Am I going crazy (again)? Should I have somehow gotten over it and moved on by now?
I feel suspended – unable to convince myself to be productive, or to be social, or to cope. Day after day passes by while I do nothing. I’ve had so many wasted days lately, and I certainly would rather be a normal person again but the motivation to even try just isn’t there. Instead I make occasional tiny efforts at keeping up with life, distract myself with books or painting or sleep or food (randomly, I have a newfound love of dry roasted peanuts and macadamia nuts), and keep . . . waiting. Waiting to feel better or just to feel willing to try feeling better.
I know: I ought to throw myself into something; once I start, I will feel a little bit better. Logic and depression just aren’t friends, though. I absolutely don’t want to do anything, except wait.
Tact
Posted: July 12, 2013 Filed under: Dangerous Book for Boys, The Story of a Mother 1 CommentYesterday Evan saw this picture of Christian on the computer.
He started laughing. “Christian’s nose looks like a pig nose because it doesn’t have any of these!” [sticks a finger in each nostril]
Only a 4 year old could get away with saying that. Thanks for keepin’ it real, Evan.
Non-update
Posted: July 9, 2013 Filed under: The Story of a Mother, War and Peace 2 CommentsI honestly have nothing new to say. If I tried to blog every day, it would look like this:
I did something fun, and then I cried.
I did something boring, and then I cried.
I did nothing, and then I cried.
I couldn’t stand to be around people, and then I cried.
I slept, and then I cried.
I took the dog outside, and then I cried.
It was the Fourth of July, and then I cried.
I visited with family and friends, and then I cried.
I saw pictures of a baby, and then I cried.
I heard that my friend had a baby, and then I cried.
I sat on my bed, and then I cried.
I stared out the window, and then I cried.
I ate something, and then I cried.
I didn’t want to eat anything, and then I cried.
I read a book, and then I cried.
I stayed in pajamas all day, and then I cried.
I cried, and then I cried some more.
I thought you might not be interested in reading a bunch of short entries like that, so when I don’t blog for a while, just pick something off the list and assume that’s what I’m up to.
Jarom
Mika
hilleries 