things to accomplish 05

19. buy a piece of original artwork
20. do baptisms in the nauvoo temple
21. build a treehouse with my husband
22. have a bake sale
23. learn how to skip stones
24. get a puppy
25. attend mass in a cathedral
26. try fishinng

my REAL life as a monolith

yesterday was kind of strange. lauren met with mick sr and tim about 10am; I’d gone to the store really quick about 10:45 and turned our light off when I left. when I got back the light was still off but lauren was in there. I figured she didn’t want the glare or something, and I could see just fine with the light off, so I went back to my desk and continued indexing. I could tell that something had happened in the meeting — especially because before they met, mick asked me for a report of lauren’s hours and indexing averages for the week. but not for anyone else. well, my back was to lauren, and I heard a lot of rummaging around, and after a few minutes she said, “you know, it’s really hard to leave this place after five years.” I turned around and she’d been packing, and crying.

it was her decision to leave — she wasn’t fired or anything; she had an interview yesterday afternoon up in sacramento and she got a good severance package from mha. but having it suddenly be her last day was unexpected and rough for all of us. especially lauren. she cried and cried and cried up until we’d finished loading everything in her car and she drove off. she probably cried more after that, too, when she was home cuddled up with chris. I know that lauren wanted to leave, but it was hard for her anyway.

aside from work, though…the day was strange in that I was so blissfully and joyfully happy. without quite being able to pinpoint a reason for it. I did get my car back (hoo-rah!!), but that was only part of it. I was dancing around the house and singing at the top of my lungs and I just felt like life was absolutely beautiful. in fact I still feel that way. and I talked to ryan in the evening — it was so nice. I think now that I understand how much things will have to change between us, and I’m willing to distance myself when I see the need to, I can find a balance between the old and the new. the old being talking all the time, and the new being talking mostly none of the time. great grammar, huh? at any rate, it seemed like I hadn’t spoken to ryan in ages, when it had really only been 2 days. but I sure missed him.

oops. I told kimberlee I’d call her back. too late now. tomorrow, I guess.

tomorrow is friday!! I don’t have anything planned, except buying a gift for nellie’s wedding. the reception is saturday evening. and I really and truly have to finish cleaning my room this weekend. it is a little bit better…

disclaimer: this is probably not going to make any sense whatsoever. but here goes. lately everything feels bigger. including myself. like life has suddenly taken on new depth and color, and everything is more solid and real than I ever thought before. when I was half-asleep the other night I felt huge — not in a self-conscious way, and not in a proportional-to-other-people way…just like all that I am and can be is enormous. for once I actually felt like a monolith. and it was amazing. I loved it. it’s as if everything has expanded and become more — although I know the more likely explanation is that my perceptions have expanded.

so…yeah. nonsense. but it is awfully enjoyable nonsense. and I’m getting really nervous about next week. eeeeeeeeeeeee!

spider-man

just finished watching spider-man on tv. I think I like the second better…it seems like peter has more internal conflict to deal with. most people like the second better, though, right? hm.

made it through work today. got new sunglasses, finally, so hopefully I can drive the ten blocks to work without having to pull over because my eyes hurt so much. I was just trying to come back from lunch, and it looked like I was sobbing. like I’d just lost my best friend or found out my dog died. well, good thing I don’t have a dog to begin with.

I read the great divorce by c.s. lewis earlier. our rs enrichment night is tomorrow — for once they have something that interests me: a “literacy night,” where the two book discussions will be about the great divorce and farenheit 451. then there’ll be a book-trading table…free books…it sounds awfully well-organized, and the choice of those two specific books seems like a good omen. like whoever was in charge knew what they were doing. best of all — no crafts! no coming home with 4th of july wooden cutesy things that serve no purpose whatsoever, and aren’t particularly well-suited to…um…me. for some women, yeah, I know, it’s great. just not me.

one week. I’ve been so weepy lately; not because of jarom coming home, and maybe I’m not sure why at all. it’s probably due in large part to things between ryan and I. which is what I was referring to in my vague writing yesterday. at the moment I’m doing fairly well, but I know when I go to bed and I’m a third of the way asleep I’ll start feeling sad, and weepy, and luckily it will tire me out completely. last night I was just barely asleep for about an hour and a half — I mean that I wasn’t exactly conscious, but every so often I’d open my eyes a bit and I was aware that I’d just been having a semi-logical train of thought. that awake but dreaming thing. I have no idea how to describe this, so if you don’t know what on earth I’m talking about, I’m not surprised.

anyway, when I talked to quentin on sunday he said that he and kimberlee will be going to dinner at villa romana next weekend, or maybe it’s right before they leave…that’s the restaurant we (alex, me, quentin, alicia) went to for prom. it was delicious, and I asked quentin to tell me the name of the restaurant again because I’ve been wanting to go back there ever since. he said jarom and I are welcome to join them, as a double-date sort of thing. well…yeah, I’d love to, but don’t you kinda think that might be a bit much for jarom? just a few days off the plane and he’s going out on a nice dinner date. granted, it’s with me…that is tempting…I mentioned it to my mom, and she said, “well, in the long run, I guess it doesn’t actually do any harm to ask him” — which, by her tone, I interpreted to mean she almost thinks I ought to. but if it’s next weekend that they’re going then I have to call jarom…assuming he hasn’t called me…and I’m just too scared. maybe I’ll make quentin call. that seems reasonable. why am I such a chicken? I wish jarom would just call me. like, tuesday evening. that’d be awesome. man. unlikely, though. I’d settle for thursday. then I can casually mention that quentin and kimberlee are in town, and hey, we’re going out to dinner, and then it almost sounds like he’s just being invited along on a group-ish thing. instead of the actual situation, which is that I’m only going if jarom goes. but I do think we’ll at least all go out for ice cream while we’re all here. that’s nice and casual, and allows lots of talking.

why oh why do I have to think about everything so much? I really ought to be talking to real people more. the whole time I’ve been home I hardly talk anymore, except when I’m in the mood to chat with lauren or when we’re eating dinner as a family. or sometimes I go talk for a while with my mom or my dad. but for the most part…I think a lot, and write a lot, and spend a lot of time alone. is it bad? obviously it is to some degree, or I wouldn’t be so concerned about going back to utah. though I do think it’s a good quality to be able to enjoy solitude. some people really hate being by themselves, and not interacting with others. don’t you think everyone needs quiet time, alone? I do. there it is again, think think think.

I stopped by see’s when I was in the mall earlier. I got a cup of summertime (!) and a milk bordeaux. I wish I hadn’t eaten them already…but I was so excited that they have the summertime available now, it’s one of the best things ever. there were two pieces in the cup, so I ate one summertime and then the bordeaux and then the other summertime. I knew I should’ve saved something for later. dangit.

and now I suppose it’s time for bed. I slept a long time earlier, so it’ll probably be another one of those sort-of-asleep nights that I tried explaining a few paragraphs ago.

right. I’m done now.

oh, just kidding. I remembered more. today at work mick pulled me into the conference room and we talked for about half an hour, about lauren leaving and me leaving and me doing indexing while I’m in utah. he said he’s very willing to set me up with everything I need to do indexing through ftp, and pay me about $20/hr. which is not bad at all. of course it does require that mha still be in business by then, and still be scanning. which is iffy. anyway, I also asked mick about next week, since we’ll have finished everything up in the office by about wednesday; he said there’s still plenty to work on — we’ll all be helping with the iso-9000 manual, and since I said I’d be willing to edit it, that will give me work for at least a few weeks. and we should have more work by then. otherwise I know I can certainly draw the process out longer. wahoo.

so that’s my update on the work situation. I’m probably going to take next friday off, so’s I can play. I haven’t played in so long! definitely looking forward to that.

and that, I believe, is the end of my ramblings for tonight.