wkiskizt: workaholic?

it seems that I’m becoming one. last night I was exhausted and went to bed about 9:30 or so. I had planned to get up at a decent hour this morning (read: before noon), but when the alarm went off at 8:30 it was still too early. however, just as I was about to die or be seriously maimed in my dream — the tires on my car exploded while I was on the freeway and I knew it couldn’t go well after that — mick jr called and woke me up. he and mick sr were in the office, and got the note I left for jr about not finishing things up for monday. so he wanted me to come in. yep, that’s right, I went in to the office at 9:30 this morning and stayed until 1:30. it wasn’t fun. well, ok, I did get to listen to country, loud enough to drown out the music sr was playing in his office. (why does he have a backstreet boys cd?)

went to the grocery store and out for a drive. the new car enjoyed it very much. but no letter from jarom, still.

so apparently shelli called ryan the other day, maybe it was yesterday, just to see how he was. weird, weird. I seem to recall her writing once that…where’d it go…ah, here: “I had to have no contact or more than friendship.” so why keep doing this to herself, and to ryan? who does it help? it’s just making ryan go on again about how all women are succubi. ok, so maybe that isn’t why he’s on that again, but I doubt it makes him believe it any less.

my parents are in monterey this weekend. if kendy is still sick tomorrow, guess what I’m going to do? …go to rockville branch! for sacrament meeting, at least. I dunno if I’d stay for sunday school, and definitely not for rs. but the first hour, sure. who’s impressed?

oh yeah. my total hours at work this week: 52.5. that’s 8 hours of overtime plus 4.5 of double-time. money money money! except the company isn’t really in a position to be paying me extra. well, they asked me to get this done, and it took more than just 8-hr workdays. all I can do now is shrug, and accept (gladly) the paycheck. if enough gets finished I may be able to take friday off, or even thursday and friday. do you know what that means? I could take a trip! unfortunately I think this may be the weekend ryan goes on his hike with his brothers (and brothers-in-law). otherwise — assuming I get new tires by then — I’d totally drive out to utah for the weekend. good times…

and so it goes

this morning I woke up late, exhausted, sore, and…happy. that’s right. I woke up happy. hallelujah!

the interesting thing is that the dream I was having right before I woke up was about jarom. he had just gotten back from his mission and I saw him for the first time. I was really nervous, not sure if I was supposed to shake his hand or keep a “respectful” distance between us or what. we were at armijo, go figure. anyhow, when he was leaving he came over and gave me a hug. it must have been like a mikahug because it was frickin’ awesome. felt absolutely wonderful, and made me feel wonderful. it said a lot. and when I woke up I missed him, not in a lonesome way but in an I’m-glad-he’s-coming-home way. what the? yeah. fickle, that’s me. well, if nothing else, it will be enjoyable to get to know him again. and play the question game. mwahaha.

sorry to say that pscu is not quite finished. the final qc actually got done fairly early this morning — maybe 8:30 — but I was working on fixing the stuff from deliveries 01 and 02, so it wasn’t until after lunch that I sat down with the final qc notes. man oh man. crazy stuff. I didn’t keep very good track of where I put each set of images — I had it all in my head, but not on paper — and the qc people made their spreadsheets much differently than I would have. they put the filename, location, and issue. except half of the files didn’t get a location put with them, and the others said something like “f:\delivery 03”. yeah, every computer in our office has an f drive. thanks. so by the time I got all the rescans sorted and logged and pulled out for delivery 03, it was 3:30. fabulous. most people left at noon, so as to not get a lot of overtime; irma stayed until 2:30, but after that it was just me. trying to get this stupid stuff ready for monday. mick jr is going back down to do rescans and the third delivery; I wanted to give him a full list of rescans, but I may not be able to finish it in time. since I still have to do the loader filee for the delivery. we’ll see. however, before much longer, the project will be completed. honest.

my neck has been killing me lately. I don’t know if I sit at my desk weird or what, but the muscles are incredibly sore, and my shoulders feel like rocks. I really need a masseuse.

we went to my grandma’s this evening for a family get-together. my uncle bill, aunt kathy, cousin andy and his wife megan were visiting from southern california. that meant all of my mom’s family (minus her dad…) was together, which I don’t think has happened since andy’s wedding about 7 years ago. it was quite fun. brian and amy and the kids all came too, and since kendy wasn’t there (been sick all week) I was the one the girls wanted to play with. david has started walking now. that boy is so adorable.

on the drive up I thought a bit about the jarom situation, as my feelings seem to be changing again. I’ve kind of decided to play my cards à la billy joel: “…so I will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break.” I just need to know what lies ahead for us. if I don’t give us a chance I may always wonder.

now I’m putting a heat pack on my neck and going to bed. so tired, so tired. tomorrow I’ll clean gabriel up as much as I can within my means, and get the new car put on my insurance. also wash the dishes and clean my room. but otherwise?…no plans. glorious!

all general mills cereals are made with whole grain.

updates… hmm…

• my car cost $2700 to fix. I love gabe, but it’s time to move on. I’m selling him and buying a new car.
• I’ve been sorely tempted lately to set out on n texas, get onto i-80 east, and drive to salt lake.
• while I was in utah I got to hear ryan (and one of the usu choirs) sing mozart’s requiem. marvelous. I wish I could go to the performance on sunday.
• today at work I did almost nothing right.
• they opened a starbucks on west texas, at the most convenient spot for when I’m going to work in the mornings. I love their hot chocolate. mm.
• ryan might be living in seattle this summer, so maybe I’ll get to make a trip to washington.
• still no word from jarom. perhaps I said something highly inappropriate, and forgot about it.
• I’ve had 2 days out of the past 11 where I didn’t cry at all. the average number of times per day that I cried is probably 5. why am I so dramatic?

the trip to utah was maybe a mistake. I went hoping it would make me less lonely; now I’m feeling more lost and alone than before. man I’m ridiculous. plus now I miss ryan. didn’t a few weeks ago, not like I do now.

the main thing is though — I figured out what’s been eating at me. is still eating at me. I have no idea where I want my life to go anymore, no idea what I even want in the next six months. it’s blank, empty, completely unknown. I’ve always had a plan before, and I feel very uneasy without one. but there’s no way of planning anything right now. I’ll have to play it by ear. do you know how much I hate having to play it by ear?

tomorrow I’m going to test drive the car I want. it’s a 2000 dodge neon, navy blue, with a sunroof. if I remember correctly it’s got 79k miles on it. and I want it badly. I am coveting this car. good thing tomorrow is payday…

p.s. many prayers for veronica, whose good-for-nothing boyfriend beat the crap out of her this weekend. remind me to never, ever, ever get into (or if I manage to get into, remind to to never, ever, ever stay in) an abusive relationship. (wait…getting into a relationship isn’t something I’d do anyway, so I guess no worries there.)