I am slowly, slowly starting to feel more like myself again. And it surprises me – mostly because I hadn’t realized how much I’ve changed. I don’t know whether I started feeling well enough to get things done, or whether I started feeling better because I was getting things done. It was probably a combination of the two. But I cleaned; I made a menu and a shopping list and went to the grocery store; I cooked dinner; I threw a baby shower (bad idea); and I remembered that I used to feel a certain way. A way that I seldom feel lately.
If you have glasses or contacts, think of how the world looks without them on. It’s like I had been seeing everything blurry, but without realizing it was blurry. And when I finally could see again, it was refreshing and exhilarating and joyful. (I have terrible vision, so this analogy works well for me.) Last week we were sitting eating dinner at the kitchen table (for the first time in months!) and it occurred to me that we used to be like this – I used to feel like life was moving forward. Even if one day was awfully similar to the next, things still happened. For the past few months everything has been paused and suspended. Time passed, but life was stuck. I was stuck.
I’m sure I’ll have more days where I feel stuck. Although it’s hard for me to accept, I know the ups and downs will be with me for a while, so I don’t delude myself that this period of good feelings is permanent. But it gives me hope. I love finding out that even with all that’s happened, I’m still me. Because you know what? I like me.