Day 24

Posted: April 10, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | 2 Comments

Things I appreciate:

  • being able to tell people I feel lousy and no one gets offended
  • June tells me in a cheerful voice, “I’m not fussy!”
  • I bought two flats of strawberries for $4 each
  • people want to help, even though I’m hesitant to actually ask for help

    • Things that are less happy:

  • Evan has been a nightmare since he came back from his cousins’ house
  • I had to drag him screaming from the play area, after which he hit he with his shoe and said I was stupid
  • and…my baby is going to die

    • What has your day been like?

    Day 23

    Posted: April 9, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | 2 Comments

    Dear everyone,

    Sorry I haven’t done a very good job of replying to the thoughtful notes, texts, emails, and blog comments you’ve been sending me. I discovered I have something in common with angsty-Book-5 Harry Potter:

    He was finding it hard at the moment to decide whether he wanted to be with people or not. Whenever he was in company he wanted to get away, and whenever he was alone he wanted company.

    (From page 850 of my copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.)

    Most of the time I just want Jarom around and not anyone else. I think I’ve been showing up at his office too much . . . with friends taking the kids off my hands lately, I don’t want to be home alone and I don’t want to go do anything.

    So I’m sorry if it seems like I’m ignoring you. I really appreciate what you’re doing – and I hope you don’t mind if I keep to myself a little longer.

    xo
    Mika

    Day 22

    Posted: April 8, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | 2 Comments

    In high school I wrote in my journal every night. I considered it one of my greatest accomplishments that I had such a detailed chronicle of my teenage years. When I went to college, my writing became more and more sporadic – probably because my days were much less structured. I still try to get a few notes in every few months, and especially to avoid only writing when things are hard. I don’t want it to seem like my life is altogether terrible.

    Lately I’ve been doing a lot more writing, mainly so I can see how my feelings have developed over the past few weeks. Yesterday and today have been really hard for me, particularly at night, and rather than sobbing and wailing (the kids were asleep, so I stuck to silently sobbing), I wanted to put things into words.

    But as soon as I wrote the date I thought, 16 days left. Just 16 days. What can I do in 16 days? How can I actually get ready for this? How will I convince myself to get in the car to drive to the hospital in 16 days, knowing I’ll go home that night without Tiny Baby? How do I function for the next two weeks? How will I manage afterwards when I’m barely keeping it together now?

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