Doubleplusgood Day 2014

I am so touched by the many acts of service, big and small, that you did in honor of Christian’s birthday. Here are the good deeds I heard about (if I missed yours, please leave a comment or email me so I can add it to the list):

• Took a loaf of homemade banana bread to a friend in need. -HS
• Put together a bouquet for a sick neighbor. -TH
• Planted flowers for a neighbor. -KH & family
• Cleaned the house in preparation for wife’s social event. -GH
• Took an extra shift so a coworker could go on vacation. -JL
• Made small, cheery flannel blankets to keep other Tiny Babies warm. -CH
• Patiently extricated son from a creek. -JO
• Helped pick up brother’s toys without being asked. -CC (age 5)
• Wore a smile for as much of the day as possible. -CB
• Took extra time to help a coworker deal with a frustrating situation. -JR
• Gave a meal to a homeless man. -DS
• Made a set of 3 bracelets: one for a tiny baby to be buried with, one for the keepsake box, and one for Mom to wear. -KB
• Delivered supplies to local shelter. -RW
• Babysat a neighbor’s kids so neighbor could go see her sister’s family be sealed.
• Visited a friend in need. -KA
• Volunteered at school for a few hours. -JC
• Baked cookies for a new neighbor. -LZ

Yesterday was a strange mixture of sadness and gratitude – sort of like last year. I went to bed overwhelmed, exhausted, and ready for a new day – sort of like last year. But I will say that today has been so much better than a year ago. I have hope for the future. I know I can have a happy life despite my loss, and, most importantly, Christian isn’t gone forever.

Thank you for making our first Doubleplusgood Day so full of love and service!

Year 1

In preparing for Christian’s birthday, I’ve tried hard to make it a positive experience. I want his birthday to be something that makes the world a better place, even if only briefly – because a year ago today, my world was destroyed. Something good should come out of that.

Last night I went to bed around 6pm. Yes, I was tired, but also I wanted to avoid thinking about today. In a lot of ways I still want to avoid it. While I planned Doubleplusgood Day I was excited – it’s a great way to commemorate Christian and to help me focus outward instead of just pitying myself. But today . . . today I want to curl up in a hole and be left alone. I want to shout that there’s nothing to celebrate because my son died, he’s gone, I haven’t gotten to see him learn to crawl or to wash him down after feeding him pureed carrots or to even hold him more than that one time. These are things I hoped Doubleplusgood Day would overcome, and I would feel so compassionate and charitable toward others that today didn’t hurt.

Taking a step back from my immediate emotions, though, I can see how much my grief has changed over the past year. I feel so much more normal than I could have dared hope! To a large extent, Christian’s death is a part of my life I’ve become accustomed to, and I go about my days in the regular sort of happy-frustrated-lonely-overwhelmed mix of a stay-at-home mom. I no longer experience the agonizing despair of postpartum + grief, my moments of sadness are fewer and further between, and those moments don’t last long. So I cross my fingers that although today might be filled with sad moments or loss and painful memories of last year, there will also be some service, some kind words from friends and family, some happiness. And cookies.

Remembering the past year

Will you do me a favor?

Let me know what you remember about how you’ve experienced Christian’s short life and his death. How has it affected you? What did you think or feel when you first read about the diagnosis or when you heard about his birthday?

I really want to feel like this is bigger than me.