Least helpful visit ever

You probably saw on Facebook that I went to talk to a counselor on campus last week. I was at the end of my rope, feeling overwhelmed with my life and ready to drop out of school. The counselor was a great listener – but I actually went because I needed advice or at least encouragement. Here’s a sample of the suggestions she gave me:

• Try to take things one day at a time.
• Try to take things one week at a time.
• Keep a detailed calendar.
• Block off sections of time for just school work, just family, etc. (She actually told me to try ignoring the kids for 2 hours every day so I could study.)
• Talk to an academic counselor.
• Talk to a stress counselor.
• Attend a stress management workshop.
• Just make it to the end of the semester.
• Do my best.
• Spend more time relaxing.
• Have pizza and salad for dinner instead of cooking.
• Care less about grades.
• Accept that my grades might be bad this semester.
• Accept that my life is difficult.
• Accept that my best might not be enough.
• Come talk to her again.

It was definitely an experience. I ended up telling her that I had really hoped for some secret trick that would put my life back into balance, and she turned the question around and asked what I thought would be helpful. You know what she didn’t suggest, that I came up with? Asking friends and family for help. I hate to do that because everyone else is crazy-busy too – but we’ll see how it goes. My own suggestion seems to be working a little better than all of hers.

So, I didn’t end up quitting school, but I did miss one of my classes to talk to her. I’m not sure yet if it was worth it!

Edit: I forgot, after I told her I probably needed some help this was her bit of widsom:

• People will dislike me if they think I’m handling all of this on my own.

Aid

My adorable baby loves to follow her brother around. She can crawl pretty fast, but it seems like jr wants to walk, like the Bwun does. At 10 months, though, jr can’t walk unaided. She doesn’t have very good balance yet and she needs a lot of practice before she’ll be ready to walk on her own.

I had another epiphany recently (I’m on a roll!). As I think about the personal traits I want to change in myself, I tend to become easily discouraged. My perceived biggest weakness, for instance, is that I lack self-discipline. But how on earth am I supposed to develop self-discipline? Here’s what I realized: I can’t suddenly be perfect. Maybe I can’t even expect to suddenly be a little better. It will probably take months of slow practice without any discernible improvement. And – more importantly – I need help!

I expect this is something everyone else knows and I just figured out for the nth time, but put into a new context, I appreciated the epiphany.

Now, who wants to help me be a better person?

Not pictured: walking. Or standing, even.

Unfit

Have you ever heard someone described as being “unfit to be a mother”? Usually it’s in reference to a woman who neglects her children, or murders them, or gives them tobacco instead of biter biscuits. (I don’t know about that last one; my list really needed three things on it.)

But I think it about myself a lot. Don’t get me wrong – in my opinion, I don’t neglect the Bwun and jr, and so far I’ve never given them tobacco, and I highly doubt I’ll ever murder them. My problem is that I got it in my head that a “good” mother is one who is endlessly patient, cheerful, energetic yet calming, and tidy. This is not true, right? I hope not. I’m not patient. I complain a lot. I bribed myself to get out of bed this morning (fresh donuts from the Creamery). And oh man, this house is not tidy. Not even close.

Most of all, I imagine that a “good” mother is inherently selfless and never tires of putting her own needs second.

Here is where I desperately hope I’m wrong. The other night jr woke up crying just as I was getting into bed and I’ll be honest, I really resented having to get up and feed her. I love jr dearly. She’s sweet and adorable and quirky. When I’m tired, she’s a little less sweet and a little more of  burden. But I almost feel like you can’t say that about your kids. They’re “angels from heaven,” right? The Romgi’s grandma swears that all five of her kids were perfect babies who never cried, and she can’t understand that anyone would dislike having young children. Maybe the march of years since she was a young mother has helped glaze over the frustration of late nights and messy diapers.

You know what? Sometimes I resent that I can’t just go out to the grocery store with the Romgi to get some Ben & Jerry’s. Sometimes I resent that I don’t have any personal space. Sometimes I resent that jr has a sense that tells her when I’m about to go to sleep, and compels her to wake up screaming in a manner that makes it clear Only Mom will do. Sometimes I resent changing diaper upon diaper and feeling like that’s the extent of my contribution to society that day, that all my hard work has literally gone into the garbage can. (I should give the kids credit, too. They worked hard for those messy diapers as well.)

For me, the ideal mother has no resentment. She loves every minute of motherhood. As I type this it does sound ridiculous. Please agree that it’s ridiculous?

I feel conflicted because I do have moments of resentment, but I also adore my kids. The way I love them is incomprehensible. And so when jr starts crying just as I go to bed, or the Bwun tells his first lie (while I’ve been writing this, no less), I’m frustrated and annoyed and exhausted but I know that these are two of my favorite people in the universe. So then of course I feel guilty for not loving every minute of motherhood.

This is the part where you tell me that such feelings are normal. I won’t go so far as to ask you to validate me for being a good mother, but maybe just hint that I’m not unfit to be a mother.

P.S. I know, you want more pictures of the kids. Right now our regular camera is a little bit broken and our awesome one is tricky for kid pictures – they just want to hold it, so I get a lot of blurry shots of little hands in front of the lens and not much else. Sigh.