Acceptance

Last night we decided to try going to the Utah Lake festival today. It was rumored to have activities, free fishing, lots of booths, free hot dogs and popcorn, and a variety of other fun things. I’ll be honest, I love booths, whether they’re fresh produce at the farmer’s market or employers at a career fair. Weird, right?

After June woke up from her morning nap (yes, my blessed 19-month-old still takes two naps, probably to make up for Evan dropping all naps at 18 months), we drove out to the lake. The real problem was that I somehow expected the day would operate smoothly, in a way that was fun for ME. Oh, silly. What about kids?

I realized after a while that I can’t approach things the same way as I did before kids. I can’t think of a trip to a festival or fair or farmer’s market as something enjoyable just for me, at least not enjoyable for the same reasons. I spent today being exhaustively frustrated and upset because I had to chase June around – she’s too young for most of the activities they had, and was mainly interested in her usual run-as-fast-and-far-and-tiringly-as-possible routine. Evan and Jarom were having a great time fishing, and I rudely cut their time short since I was at the end of my rope with June.

Having gone with the expectation that I’d be chasing a toddler in the middle of a hot day, worryingly close to the water, would have made the trip a lot better. By next time we have an outing like this, I probably will have forgotten this insight. Or maybe I can just go without kids!

Followup

Last year I made resolutions. Not so this year. But, for kicks and giggles, let’s see how I did with my 2011 resolutions…

• Eat more healthy food and less junk food. Compared to 2010, yes, I improved in 2011. And in December I went junk-food-and-sweets-free, which is pretty impressive considering how much sugary food is up for grabs at Christmastime. We did eat more fruits and vegetables. While the year as a whole may not have been a success, I think I’m on the right track with this, especially so far in 2012.
• Be frugal. Hmm…I improved over the course of the year. Right now I’m being meticulous in budgeting. Have I mentioned I love spreadsheets?
• Teach Evan. When I made these resolutions, I wasn’t in school. School ate up so much of my time that I didn’t spend nearly as much time as I wanted with Evan. He has started learning letters, opposites, and a few gospel principles, but I have a long way to go with my parenting efforts.
• Go on a date with Jarom at least once per quarter. Done.
• Write in my journal weekly. Not done, even a little bit. This year I’m doing a short line each day, and that’s working much better. I love keeping a journal but I’m exhausted at the end of the day, and there are so many other demands on my time throughout the day. It will take a lot of work for me to start keeping a regular journal again and right now, I don’t have the energy.
• Develop patience by learning to think, even briefly, before speaking or acting. As I didn’t remember making this resolution, I can’t say I put much thought into carrying it out. I’ll let Jarom speak to whether I seemed more patient or not.
• Be more disciplined about following a daily routine. If we are liberal about our definition of “routine,” then yes, done. I had a very vague daily routine. It involved breakfast, playtime, naptime, lunch, more naps, playtime, dinner, and bed. I probably meant a routine that enabled me to be productive. What I actually had enabled all of us to be fed and relatively happy. I’ll take it!

This year, I’m going to try being fulfilled. Read President Uchtdorf’s talk again. I want to learn to stop waiting for x to be fulfilled – to not want a Golden Ticket. There are things I’m waiting for, of course, but I can be happy even while I wait.

Do you have any goals for 2012?

Middle

I have absolutely no concept of “middle ground.” Case in point: realizing that I will most likely not get a 4.0 this semester, I’ve spent most of today not working on the 4 papers I have due this week.

Instead, I made cards with Evan and June (lots of stickers were involved), saw a counselor for the overwhelming anxiety that results from my all-or-nothing mindset, went to the grocery store with both kids and Jarom, skipped class, read the internet, started blogging, and waited for Doctor Who to load. (Season 6 isn’t available from any legitimate sites, so we have to watch from somewhat shady sites with names like megavidz.) Also, ate cinnamon graham crackers.

How do you find balance? How do you accept that you might be neither exceptional nor a failure? Seriously, I could use some help.

In other news, Evan and I made a countdown chair. We’ll be in California in two weeks!