Anguish

Posted: August 22, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | 3 Comments

No matter how often I tell myself to expect to come down after a period of good days, it always shocks me that I can still feel so miserable. After the baby shower I hosted recently, the whole house was clean, we were eating dinner at the kitchen table every night, and I was doing really well. Of course, it didn’t last.

I know it’s logical and normal and expected that I’ll have a hard time for months, years to come. But on some level I keep hoping that when I feel good, it’s because I’ve made great progress toward healing and things will keep getting better. Overall, yes, I do think I’m making progress and I feel much better than I did four months ago – but how foolish of me to hope there wouldn’t be any more pain.

I hate seeing babies. I don’t hate babies – I just can’t stand the anguish of having buried my baby. Of not only knowing but of feeling, over and over again, that I’ll never hold Christian or watch him grow up or send him to his room for being naughty. He’s missing from my life and it’s a huge, gaping hole. I hate how severely grief hurts. Before all of this, “grief” was just a word. Now it’s almost tangible.

On good days I barely remember what this despair is like. When it comes back, though, I wonder how I’ll ever get back to normal.

Donate

Posted: August 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Social Contract, The Story of a Mother | 1 Comment

Yesterday I learned about a family whose oldest daughter was diagnosed with high risk leukemia in 2010, whose second daughter has faced unexplained medical challenges, and who just had a stillborn baby girl.

I know from experience how quickly the medical and funeral costs add up. On top of that, this family still has medical bills from the care of their older girls. Can you spare $10 for them? I’m skipping donuts this week and next, and using that money for a donation instead.

There are a lot of people reading this blog now that I don’t know personally. We’ve been blessed to have lots of financial help with Christian’s medical and funeral costs. I’ve talked in the past about how I believe one of the fundamental reasons for existence is to help each other – will you help? If you aren’t able to donate financially, please consider sharing a link to the fundraiser page. I want to see everyone rally around this family and validate my belief in the good of humanity.

Painful

Posted: August 2, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | Leave a comment

My original due date was next Tuesday. In the past few weeks I’ve learned that a lot of my friends are expecting; most of the other moms who were due around the same time as me have had their babies or are about to, obviously. It’s so hard to be reminded of the hospital bag I’m not packing, the epidural I’m not getting, the blanket I’m not trying to swaddle, the tiny fingers I’m not holding, the stinky diapers I’m not changing, the healthy baby I’m not bringing home.

When I read a few books on grief after I learned that Christian wouldn’t live, they talked about many women feeling jealous and resentful toward other moms, especially moms with new babies. I didn’t understand that I really would feel like I’d be glad to be desperately uncomfortable in the last few weeks of pregnancy – glad to be going through a long labor with a healthy baby at the end – glad to be spending sleepless nights with a newborn.

This is still miserable.

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