beautiful wonderful marvelous awesome

yeah, life is good. dunno why. why not, I guess? the sun is shining, but there are nice white fluffy clouds with a touch of grey, wind blowing, green leaves everywhere. today when I looked out my window I suddenly realized the tree in the backyard has gotten all its leaves. can’t believe I didn’t notice before! although my curtains have been closed, almost an excuse huh?

right now I’m so, so excited for jarom to come home. yeah I know, stop talking about it honestly, but I can’t! this is my journal anyway, I’ll talk about it all I want. anyway I’m not nervous at all, not at the moment at least, though I’m sure when I wake up that morning I will be. when I talked to seestur the other day she said she thinks he’ll come see me before the homecoming, or call me, or something. of course I hope he does. I hope he shows up at my house and I happen to be looking GORGEOUS and we go out for a drive, or ice cream, or over to his house or something, or he calls and says “it is so good to talk to you, let’s do something, please come over right this very minute I can’t wait a second longer,” because that would be absolutely glorious. glorious, there’s a good adjective. I feel like jumping around right now, I’ve got all this smile-ness inside, and no matter how much I try smiling it out there’s more, like my heart is singing. I sound so very smarmy right now. but that’s how I feel! such a beautiful feeling! this is the same thing as listening to that piece from swan lake, and I always say that’s my heart singing, because the english language has no better way of phrasing it. actually I have to wonder if any human language can say it, or is it too intense and intimate of a thing to put into words? hmm.

gaa I can hardly wait. this is so much better than being panicked and nervous and “what if everything goes wrong and he thinks I’m an idiot and a jerk and a hag” although I doubt he would do that. I am definitely not a hag, and saying that does not make me conceited. it’s called self-confidence and I hope I have enough to carry me through this. I was indexing at work today and fell into daydreaming, and had this insane flash of wondering what would happen if the first time I see him is at the homecoming and after sacrament meeting we’re talking (the four of us, I mean also seestur and q) and he wants to talk to me alone for a bit and proposes! okay now in terms of unlikely, I think that’s way way way towards the top. (passionately kissing me takes first place though. no matter whether it’s at the homecoming or somewhere else.) but it gave me butterflies and caterpillars and shooting stars not just in my stomach, but everywhere. my heart fluttered crazily and I almost said “YES!!!” out loud to his imagined and improbable question. that would’ve been great to explain huh? oh man. I wish I had a trampoline. that might be the perfect thing for a time like this. and I keep blushing, what the heck? weird, weird. four weeks four weeks four weeks! can you believe it’s so soon, I knew it would start going much faster, the last month has positively FLOWN by.

so? what do you think will happen? I would like for him to call, let’s see he leaves korea on the 14th or 15th which is half a day ahead of here and it will take about half a day to fly back, and then he’ll sleep for a day, which puts us at the 17th-ish? ish? sooner would be better, I think, because I’m so excited I can hardly sit still. so maybe there will be an open house — ooh it will be on the weekend, and I will go and be social and see him!! [insert giddy noises that I don’t know how to type] or maybe he’ll call and ask if he can come by, wait his driver’s license probably expired already. so maybe he’ll call and ask me to come over, and I’ll have the hardest time waiting at the stop lights and my stomach will be like a blizzard, but warmer. (the analogy makes so much sense to me — it’s not even funny.) and all his family would be there, will I get a handshake or just a smile or a HUG? a fantastic spectacular fireworks hug? I wouldn’t even mind being the center of attention for a minute or two, “look everyone it’s the girl jarom wants to marry,” except no one says it, they just feel it instinctively. look at the way his eyes light up when she smiles. they’re smitten.

SMITTEN! I am so smitten. and giddy. I’m going to go wash dishes right now and daydream some more. don’t try telling me to make the daydreams more realistic, because I like them my way. so there!

much love,
the most wkiskiztish wkiskizt there ever was

more from The Phantom Tollbooth

“It has been a long trip,” said Milo, climbing onto the couch where the princesses sat; “but we would have been here much sooner if I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I’m afraid it’s all my fault.”

“You must never feel badly about making mistakes,” explained Reason quietly, “as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.”

“But there’s so much to learn,” he said, with a thoughtful frown.

“Yes, that’s true,” admitted Rhyme; “but it’s not just learning things that’s important. It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters.”

© 1961 by Norton Juster

it’s like the thing that wouldn’t shut up

huh. I thought I wrote yesterday. guess not.

right now the best song is “city love” off john mayer’s room for squares. the guitar solo in there…perfect. and the whole thing is the right rhythm, it makes me want to just…drive. and talk. I am in a very I-miss-jarom mood these days, not exactly mushy mopey, but more…I want to talk to him, have a real conversation, and guess what guess what guess what I get one so soon!! hopefully. although I took a nap earlier and in my dream I’d gone to utah to visit ryan, and byu campus was all weird, kinda like the default “campus” that appears in my dreams, so I was going across campus to try finding his new house, but stumbled (literally) across this guy lying on a roof. why either of us were on the roof, I’m not sure. but he knew who I was, somehow, and we had a nice romance, being cuddly and adorable and he was awesome. I don’t think I ever got to ryan’s. then mick jr called and woke me up, why why why must he always do that? so the dream ended, and now I even miss the dream guy. maybe real life will be better though. talked to seestur earlier, and she said she and q will definitely come to the homecoming with me and would like to get together, all four of us. eee.

so that was a good ramble. there’s more to come, don’t worry. yesterday at work I was talking to mick sr and I showed him all my little animals, the fox and the frog and austin and max and behold the mikabird, and he said, “you have all these hidden talents. we should have you join us in our marketing meetings.” I told him he probably didn’t want me doing that; I’m very opinionated. I’ve seen the stuff they’re coming up with and I don’t like it at all. but it isn’t my concern, I know nothing about marketing, I just have opinions. well, he had me come in to the meeting today despite my protests, and I sat and listened for about 20 minutes. they’re working on postcards to send to the california schools to scan student records. there’s a bunch of text on one side, and mick sr turned to me and asked how it looked from an editing standpoint. I said, “well, it’s gramatically sound…” and kinda left it hanging. tim thought that was funny; at least someone did. so mick asked what I thought of it otherwise, and I figured, well, I warned him…so I let loose with all this stuff about how the font was distracting and the wording was vague and confusing and the marketing scheme was illogical. it was so incredibly cathartic. but unfortunately, it means I have to go back into the marketing meetings. I don’t want to. someone asked my opinion and I gave it, but I’m not interested in the process. just opinionated about it. isn’t there a big difference? and don’t I have plenty of other things to get done?

anyway. last night this whole marketing issue turned into an unpleasant scene with ryan. we were talking online and I was saying that I don’t want to go into the meetings, because basically I think their approach sucks. he said, “oh that’s rational, you don’t want to do it because you could make it better. good thinking. keep it up.” I tried explaining what I meant, he just kept being sarcastic, to the point where I was in tears and feeling miserable. part of it is because ryan is not usually so harsh unless he’s really upset with me, but mainly it’s due to the fact that it reminds me a little too much of the times jarom made me cry. he didn’t seem to be able to gauge how much sarcasm I could handle, or how much bantering I’d take before it got to be belittling. but ryan says he didn’t mean to make me feel bad, he was just trying to point out that I don’t think very rationally sometimes. which is true.

so I’ve been playing “what if” lately. what if jarom had said something or done something before he left, or even after ryan and I broke up and in the ensuing months, to let me know how he felt? I’m sure if I brought it up with him (after he’s home) he’d say he did tell me, in his way. probably the ring he gave me would be a good argument. and at the time I did briefly consider that a ring might carry all the meaning one can attribute to a ring, but discarded the idea. after all, it was jarom, and he’d stopped liking me more than a year earlier. he already gave me up. and he’d told me in february of 2003 that I (or, our relationship) was too much for him to handle while he was getting ready for his mission. granted, he took that statement back through his actions, but not verbally, and so his actions didn’t make sense. maybe he thought I’m more perceptive than I really am, and that I would understand what he was trying to tell me. but I sure as heck didn’t. if I had understood…what would I have done? would it have made me even angrier? why oh why did we not talk things out? I’ve come to realize that aside from having hours upon hours of discussion over the real issues, the only other thing that could’ve mended our relationship (as friends, if nothing else) would have been to pray together. I really really wish we had thought of that. but…things have worked out despite that. makes you wonder why it took me so long to figure out that making mistakes doesn’t mean the end of the world, when I have so many examples right in front of me. yeah. brilliant, mika.

do you think that’s a long enough ramble? hmm, you’re right, probably needs a bit more.

my allergies have been terrible lately. I just step outside and I feel sneezes coming all over (ew, kinda gross mental image huh) and it makes my headaches awful. but oh well. last night I went in to eat some strawberries and cream, and it was almost bedtime and I needed to relax, so I brought the phantom tollbooth with me. what a great book. man. you know, I think I’ll go read that now.

shutting up…