Sleepless

I tried a new sleeping pill recently. While perusing the sleeping pill aisle at the grocery store, I realized almost every brand is actually the exact same formula. Unisom is different, but it doesn’t work well for me – or rather, it works too well.

This new one is called Alteril and markets itself as a natural, drug-free sleep aid. It has tryptophan, melatonin, and a handful of apothecary-sounding ingredients like skullcap herb extract and valerian root extract. You’re supposed to take two tablets an hour before bedtime.

So I did that on Thursday night. I was already really tired, but I usually have trouble falling asleep, so the extent to which I slept well due to the Alteril (rather than just being tired) is unclear. But I slept most of Friday. I’ve been fighting off a cold, and lost my battle on Friday; Jarom stayed home from work so I was able to rest.

Since we had lots of company over for June’s birthday cake on Saturday, I was up all Friday night cleaning and baking and trying to make the house somewhat presentable. Note to self: you are not 18 anymore. All-nighters are not an option.

When everyone had gone home after the party, I took two Alteril and went to bed. And slept beautifully for 15 hours straight.

I started thinking maybe a half dose would be better for me, so last night I just took one tablet.

Sure enough, an hour later I was extremely tired and ready to go to sleep. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I went in and out of that in-between stage, where you think you might be awake and only realize after a noise jolts you into consciousness that you’ve actually been dozing. This lasted about four hours.

I did finally fall into a deeper sleep, but then the kids started waking up (and waking each other up). And Ender wanted out. And then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was officially awake from 5:30 this morning.

Maybe a one-and-three-quarters dose is the way to go…

Multi-word post title

Have you ever noticed that I only do single-word blog post titles? This, obviously, is an exception, but I’ve been pretty consistent about it for…a while. Anyone want to go through the archives and figure out how long it’s been?

Ok, a few things. First: Becky is the winner of the giveaway! I realized after I wrote the giveaway post I wasn’t extremely clear about, well, anything. I chose a winner based on the extremely random criterion, “Which of these people have I not done a project for or have a project planned/in the works right now?” So there you go. And I will do another giveaway in October, just because this was fun. I’m also working on several of the quotes you guys posted. Becky, if you’re local, we can meet up for cupcakes or donuts and I’ll give you the print – otherwise, email me at mika@hilleries.com with your address and I’ll ship the print to you. Edit: if you didn’t win, you should be excited because it means (did you catch this?) I already have plans for a piece of art for you! Probably a custom one! Of course, it could mean that I’ve done a project for you in the past…in which case, you’re already a lucky winner.

Second: yesterday I decided to put Evan and June together in the bigger of the two kids’ rooms (it was most recently June’s room, though it started out as Evan’s) and make the smaller room into a playroom. Today while June was on her date with Grandpa I got everything cleaned up, with a lot of grudging help from Evan, and got the playroom set up. Since the bedroom has carpet, I’m going to try a very strict NO FOOD IN HERE rule. We’ll see how well that goes.

Third: I know this isn’t that case, but lately I feel like I have “gotten over” Christian’s death. It is still sad, but most of the time I don’t dwell on it. Is that normal? Is it denial? Should I be having more breakdowns, or just expect a breakdown in the future? If I keep feeling good and happy, does it mean I’m heartless?

Fourth: are you aware that it’s more than halfway through September of 2013? When I write the date I have to remind myself it isn’t 1997. True story. However, the fact that it’s September means we get to eat chili and drink hot chocolate (not together) and be realistic when we think about wearing sweaters. And next month I’m planning a trip to visit my parents, and June turns 3, and it will be Halloween, and then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas! I’m excited, if you can’t tell.

Fifth: thank you for reading this far. I know blog posts are supposed to have pictures because blah blah photography SEO readership blah blah, but I appreciate your reading skillz.

xo Mika

Myself

I am slowly, slowly starting to feel more like myself again. And it surprises me – mostly because I hadn’t realized how much I’ve changed. I don’t know whether I started feeling well enough to get things done, or whether I started feeling better because I was getting things done. It was probably a combination of the two. But I cleaned; I made a menu and a shopping list and went to the grocery store; I cooked dinner; I threw a baby shower (bad idea); and I remembered that I used to feel a certain way. A way that I seldom feel lately.

If you have glasses or contacts, think of how the world looks without them on. It’s like I had been seeing everything blurry, but without realizing it was blurry. And when I finally could see again, it was refreshing and exhilarating and joyful. (I have terrible vision, so this analogy works well for me.) Last week we were sitting eating dinner at the kitchen table (for the first time in months!) and it occurred to me that we used to be like this – I used to feel like life was moving forward. Even if one day was awfully similar to the next, things still happened. For the past few months everything has been paused and suspended. Time passed, but life was stuck. I was stuck.

I’m sure I’ll have more days where I feel stuck. Although it’s hard for me to accept, I know the ups and downs will be with me for a while, so I don’t delude myself that this period of good feelings is permanent. But it gives me hope. I love finding out that even with all that’s happened, I’m still me. Because you know what? I like me.