C is for Cookie

It’s also for crisis, caught-off-guard, calm, and controlled.

The last two weeks have been so unbelievably crazy (C is for crazy, as well). I was just not expecting to have jr a month early, and I had such short notice to mentally and emotionally prepare for having a baby – just a few hours, when I thought I’d have at least 3 weeks. While we waited for the antibiotic to cycle through, I babbled to the Romgi incessantly. I was frightened, and uncertain, but I felt like I had to keep those emotions at bay. C is for coping. I shoved the fear and uncertainty to the back corners of my mind and decided to deal with the situation as best I could – which really meant that I didn’t address how I was feeling. It was time for survival, not ridiculous things like emotions.

I don’t think I’ve gone off of “survival mode” since then. I kept waiting for – keep waiting for – some sort of breakdown, where I suddenly realize that I now have two kids, that my life is complete pandemonium (C is for chaos), that I can’t handle this. I expected that once the breakdown came, I could process what happened and move on with life. But the breakdown has eluded me. Is this good? Or does it just mean I’m in denial? C is for confusion.

Tonight the Romgi stayed home with the kids while I went out shopping. It was time to face the facts, to talk myself through the situation and figure out why my reaction to it has been so different from what I anticipated. C is for content, composed, calm. I won’t go so far as to say I feel any of those most of the time, but I do feel content-composed-calm often lately. And it’s been unnerving. I am not a C is for chill person. So why did I seem to be taking everything in stride?

I eventually came to the conclusion that either the breakdown is still forthcoming or I’ve simply mellowed out. A lot. I realized that there are an infinite number of things outside my control, and that worrying or stressing about them won’t help – it will just make me feel worried and stressed. I realized that I can’t change everything I dislike about myself all at once, and that in trying to improve my bad habits there will be setbacks and mistakes – and I’ll have to take those in stride, as well. I realized that life isn’t as hard as I imagined if I am willing to ask for help, and that I have to ask for and accept help from others – I can’t accomplish much of anything all by myself. No one can. I realized that I am vulnerable and weak and in need of help…and then I realized that it’s okay to be that way. I can always find the C is for comfort and C is for courage I need to keep going.

I hope my thoughts don’t seem tangential to my original topic. It was important for me to understand that, flawed as I am, I’m C is for capable of handling whatever C is for challenge I may face. Yes, I now have two kids; yes, I was unprepared for having a new baby to take care of; yes, it’s trickier than just having the Bwun. But none of those things is really a C is for crisis. Maybe my breakdown hasn’t come because this simply isn’t that difficult (yet).

C is for certain. I feel certain that things will be okay. Especially since my C is for caring Visiting Teacher brought us dinner tonight, complete with C is for cookies.

C is for clean. Just imagine that I vacuumed the floor, too.

You know what else? C is for comment. Please tell me your thoughts on what I’ve said.