Day 4

I feel full of unanswered and unanswerable questions.

Is it ok if I feel awful?

Is it ok if sometimes I feel normal and then suddenly, for no specific reason, I feel awful again?

Is it ok if I’m scared of what happens next?

Is it ok if I try not to think about it sometimes?

Is it ok if I want to think about it and cry sometimes?

How do I keep this from overtaking my efforts to be a good mother for Evan and June?

How can I use this experience to help me be a better, more loving person?

How do I deal with this?

Yesterday Jarom stayed home from work. We didn’t really do much all day. I woke up around 5:30 when June needed something, and when I came back to bed I sobbed for an hour or two. Eventually I fell back asleep and Jarom got up with June the next time she woke up. In the afternoon we all went on a walk, and spent a while outside. I chilled in the swing with June; she fell asleep on my lap. I only had a few moments where I was overwhelmed – for some reason, seeing myself in the mirror sets me off. But I went to bed early. Jarom and I started listing 3 things we’re grateful for at bedtime. On my list yesterday: (1) I have Jarom. (2) My buddy Megan brought us dinner and Drumsticks for dessert. (3) We didn’t have to sit through all of Jack the Giant Slayer. We’d gone to see it Tuesday night to distract ourselves – it was the next movie playing when we got to the theater – and it was so bad, we ended up leaving. I literally preferred to go talk about the impending death of my baby than finish watching that movie.

Today Jarom went back to work. This morning the kids went over to a friend’s house – I was shocked beyond words that Evan went willingly, since he wants to stay at home even when I ask if he’d like to go out for ice cream – and my friend Bridget came over with donuts. I’m glad she did, because I learned that being alone isn’t good for me right now. Bridget and I went to an antique store for a while, but once I got home I broke down again. Jarom was able to leave work (it’s nice that he works for a small company and they’re very understanding), and we ended up going back to the antique store together. They had a big box of Legos and a Lego table we bought for Evan as a surprise for when he got home.

By the way, before this all happened, we’d explained to Evan that if we had a baby girl, he’d have to trade rooms with June so we could put the two girls together in the bigger bedroom. He was actually excited about the idea of moving into June’s smaller room and asked frequently if we could go ahead and move their stuff. The plan was to wait until we knew if the baby was a boy or girl and then, if needed, trade rooms; since we still don’t know the gender and it sadly isn’t relevant to the bedroom setup anymore, I switched the kids’ beds yesterday. It gave me something to focus on. Today while the kids were gone Jarom and I finished cleaning their rooms and moving the toys and clothes around. When Evan came home and saw the Legos and the table, he was thrilled. It was definitely worth the money and the effort to get it set up for him.

This evening one of the girls in our neighborhood came to babysit for a few hours. I asked her on Sunday if she could come over, so after the stress of Monday and Tuesday I debated cancelling. (Honestly, it was mainly because our house is such a disaster right now. It’s embarrassing. But I sort of have an excuse . . . right?) Jarom and I didn’t have any specific plans, so we made up a date as we went along. Pro tip: Spanish Fork basically closes at 6pm. Don’t bother trying to browse downtown later than that. The only places open were a pet store and an international market. After the disappointing Spanish Fork scene, we spent a while in Barnes & Noble, where, by the way, they are currently selling adorable donut pillows. Just in case you feel like you should send me a little something to cheer me up. We had hot chocolate and cheesecake in the cafe and then used a Best Buy giftcard to get Toy Story 3. Right now I really feel like spoiling Evan and June a little . . .

Tomorrow I’ll take the kids to a neighbor’s house in the morning – their kids are the same ages as mine, so they have a lot of fun together. Then breakfast with a friend and an hour or two to myself. We’ll see how that goes. Jarom needs to renew his driver’s license before it expires on Monday (it’s his birthday!!!), so he’ll take care of that before we meet with the OB at 4. We sat down this afternoon to make a list of questions to ask. Every single thing on the list was awful. I don’t want to need to ask any of them. I was doing ok with the list until I got to “When I have the baby, will I be in Labor & Delivery with all the other expectant moms?” The thought was too much. I’m scared of everything about that day, but especially of being surrounded by so many reminders of what I’m losing.

Day 2

I hope no one is offended if I haven’t gotten in touch directly with an update. Writing is a lot easier for me, and a blog post is a lot faster than many phone calls and texts.

Jarom had meetings this morning, so I went to see the perinatologist alone. The sonographer was really nice and tried to ease my worries when I first went in. She said there’s no specific fluid level they need at this point and a “low fluid level” diagnosis is fairly subjective. I appreciated that she explained everything she was looking at and made it easy for me to see what she was doing. As time went on, though, she said less and less. Eventually she said she wanted the specialist to come in and take a look because she had some concerns.

The specialist introduced himself and then was silent for the next 15 minutes as he looked very, very hard for any indication that the baby’s kidneys were working. After that long, though, I was pretty sure that no good news was coming. I lost it when he told me that the baby’s kidneys hadn’t developed, and that as a result, several problems ensued, primarily the lungs failing to develop.

There is nothing that we can do. Without functioning kidneys and lungs, the baby won’t survive.

As you can imagine, it’s heartbreaking news to hear. We’ve been given several options but aren’t sure yet what we want to do next. Right now, we’re trying to love our family more and more.

Please ask any questions you have. Writing and talking about this is really helpful for me, so don’t feel like you need to avoid the topic.

I can safely say, thus far in my life, this is the worst day I’ve ever had. What’s especially awful is knowing that a worse day will come soon.

:(

Day 1

I had intended to write about my awesome date with Evan, but the past few days just haven’t gone as planned. Evan got sick not long after we got home on Friday, and then June got the bug too in the middle of that night. The weekend was mostly filled with sick, slightly disgusting kids and lots of laundry.

Today was my 20-week ultrasound. The equipment they use has been updated since I had Evan and June – the sonographer said it’s only about 6 weeks old, and it was so fancy! We were able to see a lot more detail. The brain, heart, and most major organs looked good, but the baby was curled up face-down and the sonographer had a hard time getting a good look at several parts. He asked me if I’ve felt bigger or smaller this pregnancy – I mentioned before that I haven’t gained any weight and I don’t look pregnant, so this is much smaller than before. When he measured my fluid levels, he said they were really low. It’s measured in the distance between the placenta and the baby at several places, and at this stage of pregnancy, a healthy level is anywhere between 8 cm and 25 cm. My fluid level was 3.8 cm, which explains why (1) I’ve been small this pregnancy and (2) he had such a hard time seeing things properly (including the gender – so I still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl).

He talked a little bit about how the doctor would want to monitor my levels, and I should meet with them this week. He stepped out to talk to the doctor and they decided I’d meet with the doctor today and an perinatologist tomorrow morning. It was a little worrisome – okay, a lot worrisome – how quickly they were getting these appointments set up. Jarom and I went home, picked up the kids, had lunch, and I headed back to the doctor’s office while Jarom stayed home from work to watch the kids.

Honestly, I expected that the doctor would say something along the lines of, “This is something that happens, here’s how we fix it, you really shouldn’t worry too much about it.” Instead he gave me a very sensitively phrased explanation of the bad things that can happen with low amniotic fluid levels at this point in pregnancy. He talked about common causes, like ruptured membranes (which is tentatively ruled out, since I’d more than likely have noticed something like that), defective or nonexistent kidneys in the baby (the ultrasound wasn’t completely clear on the kidneys), or an improperly formed placenta that doesn’t provide enough nutrients for the baby. In all of these cases, the scenario was that the baby won’t survive, unless it’s ruptured membranes and I can make it to 24 weeks, at which point I’d be induced and they’d do their best to help the baby.

Another possibility is that today’s low fluid level was a fluke, and things will look fine tomorrow, but he made it clear that’s a best-case scenario and my ongoing small bump and lack of weight gain don’t make it the most likely scenario.

Tomorrow morning I’ll meet with the perinatologist, who can talk about some of the less common causes of low fluids, and who will do another ultrasound. I suppose having some sort of answer or game plan will help me feel better. In the meantime, we’re hoping for the best but preparing ourselves in case we do lose the baby. Jarom has put me on unofficial bedrest for the evening – not dealing with getting the kids to bed was pretty nice! – and I’m drinking oodles of water, just in case that makes a difference. Fingers crossed, I may just get put on bedrest for a while and the fluid level will go up.

I’ll post an update tomorrow.