C is for Cookie

It’s also for crisis, caught-off-guard, calm, and controlled.

The last two weeks have been so unbelievably crazy (C is for crazy, as well). I was just not expecting to have jr a month early, and I had such short notice to mentally and emotionally prepare for having a baby – just a few hours, when I thought I’d have at least 3 weeks. While we waited for the antibiotic to cycle through, I babbled to the Romgi incessantly. I was frightened, and uncertain, but I felt like I had to keep those emotions at bay. C is for coping. I shoved the fear and uncertainty to the back corners of my mind and decided to deal with the situation as best I could – which really meant that I didn’t address how I was feeling. It was time for survival, not ridiculous things like emotions.

I don’t think I’ve gone off of “survival mode” since then. I kept waiting for – keep waiting for – some sort of breakdown, where I suddenly realize that I now have two kids, that my life is complete pandemonium (C is for chaos), that I can’t handle this. I expected that once the breakdown came, I could process what happened and move on with life. But the breakdown has eluded me. Is this good? Or does it just mean I’m in denial? C is for confusion.

Tonight the Romgi stayed home with the kids while I went out shopping. It was time to face the facts, to talk myself through the situation and figure out why my reaction to it has been so different from what I anticipated. C is for content, composed, calm. I won’t go so far as to say I feel any of those most of the time, but I do feel content-composed-calm often lately. And it’s been unnerving. I am not a C is for chill person. So why did I seem to be taking everything in stride?

I eventually came to the conclusion that either the breakdown is still forthcoming or I’ve simply mellowed out. A lot. I realized that there are an infinite number of things outside my control, and that worrying or stressing about them won’t help – it will just make me feel worried and stressed. I realized that I can’t change everything I dislike about myself all at once, and that in trying to improve my bad habits there will be setbacks and mistakes – and I’ll have to take those in stride, as well. I realized that life isn’t as hard as I imagined if I am willing to ask for help, and that I have to ask for and accept help from others – I can’t accomplish much of anything all by myself. No one can. I realized that I am vulnerable and weak and in need of help…and then I realized that it’s okay to be that way. I can always find the C is for comfort and C is for courage I need to keep going.

I hope my thoughts don’t seem tangential to my original topic. It was important for me to understand that, flawed as I am, I’m C is for capable of handling whatever C is for challenge I may face. Yes, I now have two kids; yes, I was unprepared for having a new baby to take care of; yes, it’s trickier than just having the Bwun. But none of those things is really a C is for crisis. Maybe my breakdown hasn’t come because this simply isn’t that difficult (yet).

C is for certain. I feel certain that things will be okay. Especially since my C is for caring Visiting Teacher brought us dinner tonight, complete with C is for cookies.

C is for clean. Just imagine that I vacuumed the floor, too.

You know what else? C is for comment. Please tell me your thoughts on what I’ve said.

Currently reading

In addition to Goodnight Gorilla and other board-book classics, I’ve been reading Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese, as recommended by sposita. I got it on the Kindle, which I still love, and I started reading while we stayed with the Romgi’s parents. They were looking after the Bwun so well, and the Romgi still had class to go to, so…what else was I supposed to do? Oh yeah, sleep. But I did get about a third of the way through the book and it’s riveting so far. I haven’t got a clue what the rest of the book is going to be about. Or necessarily what it’s been about already. Interesting, though!

I woke up with good intentions this morning. We had a nice full night’s sleep and while I was tired, I felt like I could get a few things done today. And the Romgi brought me a Dunford, so you know my day had a good start. But by the time the Romgi left for school I’d run out of energy and motivation.

Instead of accomplishing much of anything, I read the inside of my eyelids.

It was a great story of rest and relaxation and peace and – what? The Bwun knows how to take his diaper off?

Well, suffice it to say that we had some major cleanup at our house today. But it wasn’t the kind where I could (or would) show you a before-and-after photo.

We’re into November now…and I still have 9 books to finish by the end of the year. Hmm, should I aim for a clean house or getting to my reading goal? Reading, you say? I agree. The house will never be clean, anyway. As evidence I submit our living room today:

The Bwun exits gracefully. He even waved goodbye first.

Also, evidence of why it’s ok that my house looks like this:

CAN I KEEP HER?

One final note: I found the perfect postage stamps to use for our Christmas cards. I can’t wait to send them out.

Do you guys read anything besides my blog? I’m still taking recommendations for books by authors with last names starting with A, E, J, L, O, Q, X, and Z…

P.S. That high school picture of us I posted yesterday was pretty great! I can’t believe you guys didn’t say anything about it. Say it now.

Music and memories

Posted: November 7, 2010 | Author: Mika | Filed under: Romgi the Enigma | 2 Comments

{ Disclaimer: some or all of this post is sappy. }

The Romgi and I went to high school together, did you know? The start of this most recent school year marks 12 years that we’ve known each other. Our relationship has been complicated – from friends to “dating” to frenemies to dating and finally to marriage. And you know what one of the constants has been through it all? Third Eye Blind.

I know it sounds ridiculous to make a big deal out of a band. But I can’t describe what powerful memories their music brings back. On our way back from Salt Lake tonight, after the kids fell asleep to sleepy music, I put in 3eb’s self-titled album and we listened to the last few (quieter) tracks. When we were in high school – and later, after the Romgi came back from his mission – we used to go on drives at night on the backroads up to Lake Berryessa. We talked about everything or nothing. Those drives helped us become best friends. There was always music playing, often 3eb, and when I hear the last few songs on the album I feel relaxed and content, like I did after a long drive with the Romgi. Usually the cd was almost over by the time we got close to town again, and it almost feels cathartic (apologies if I’ve used that word incorrectly) to hear those songs. It makes me remember how great our talks were, how comfortable we were together. My memory of our drives is feeling like we were in harmony with each other.

Tonight I still felt that way when we put in our beat-up old Third Eye Blind cd. So much has changed since our drives together – and I wonder how to get some of that feeling back into our everyday lives? I almost wish I could combine then and now. Things have turned out so much better than I could have imagined, but it does seem like I’ve been so caught up in raising the Bwun and jr and keeping the house clean (or trying to, at least) and being perfect (won’t happen anytime soon), plus the Romgi in law school…we don’t spend much time with just each other anymore. I miss those talks.

How do you keep a feeling of couple-ness? What are ways you’ve found to preserve all the wonderful things you had at the start of your relationship? I wouldn’t trade our current life for anything, because we have even more wonderful things now. But it would be so nice to enjoy the Romgi’s company without worrying about what mess the Bwun has just made (see below) or getting up to change yet another of jr’s diapers. Do you have advice on being spouses instead of just parents?

(Please don’t think that I dislike being a parent. It’s incredible. I like being the Romgi’s wife too, though.)

New topic: my amazing mom spent hours cleaning my kitchen yesterday while I took a nap. I could get used to that kind of service! After all the dishes were clean, the Bwun decided the change to a tidy (-ish) kitchen was just too much…this morning he dumped a box of cereal on the floor. Thank you, son.

Cereal (and other small messes) on the floor. Also, you can see our little butane stove. One of these days we'll live somewhere with a real stove...but until then, we get by with this.