For about two weeks, I was in a severe funk. I’d like to think I could call it something more serious than a funk, given recent events, but I don’t know that it went so far as depression. I barely ate; I seldom left the house or talked to anyone; I avoided the internet; I wanted nothing more than to pause existence so I could just sleep. The worst part was that when I was sad, it didn’t seem like it was specifically because of Christian – I was just sad, and I felt like I ought to be able to point to a certain memory or feeling of loss or regret about the future. Something. Instead, it was just a pervasive I-feel-lousy and I-wish-I-could-stop-existing.
Jarom had promised several people that he’d look after me and make sure I ate, even when I didn’t want to. He brought me donuts (probably the only thing that prevented me from starving) and tried to find that elusive line between obnoxiously nagging and lovingly helping. But I had no interest in food. I couldn’t think of anything that sounded good, and on top of that, I think I wanted to be hungry and miserable and wallowing in sadness. Is that allowed?
While I was avoiding the internet, I spent a lot of time outside doing yardwork. I discovered that I love pulling weeds. I also discovered that if you spend hours outside doing physical labor, and you haven’t eaten all day, you don’t feel so great – physically. But emotionally, being outdoors was wonderful. Our big chestnut tree blossomed recently and the flowers are beautiful and fragrant. It was a small but helpful reminder that there were still things to enjoy.
About one week into my funk, I was asked to make some baby shower invitations for a friend. Because of the tight schedule I didn’t have time to do more than one draft, so there’s a lot I would change if I had a chance to work on the design a little more – but the wonderful thing was that I got my paints out and experimented. I sketched. I made something. And then I left the house to go pick up the prints. A few nights later, as I was falling asleep, I realized that I was thinking about my favorite foods, about chopping the ingredients and cooking, about projects I wanted to do, about what I’d change on the invitations I had just finished. It made me feel . . . happy.
Since then I’ve been doing fairly well. I mowed the lawn yesterday. I designed baby announcements for a friend (and they are amazing – I’ll show you soon!). I held an 8-month-old baby on Sunday and actually enjoyed it. I reread one of my favorite books. I fully expect that I’ll have moments of sadness, because I did just lose one of my children – but those moments are becoming less frequent, and I’m having more times where I smile, laugh, and do things I love.
That being said, I still really appreciate when people let me know they’re thinking of me. Although my world hasn’t ended, it has changed drastically, and it’s nice when others are aware of me. Keep sending love, folks.