Roni vs Ma

Today I read an article by Erica Jong titled “Mother Madness” (via Ohdeedoh). Jong’s thesis, by my interpretation, is that our overwhelmingly high expectations for mothers interfere with what’s good for women and make mothers feel inadequate when they fail to meet those expectations. She lashes out against mothers who cater to their children’s needs at the expense of their own happiness and sanity, particularly in light of “attachment parenting” (a term I’ve never heard before) – wearing your baby, breastfeeding, co-sleeping – and green parenting – cloth diapering, making your own baby food, “a cocoon of clockless, unscheduled time.”

While I certainly understand and even agree with Jong’s view that unrealistic expectations can and often do create feelings of guilt when we fall short, I am so strongly opposed to many of her statements about motherhood and parenting that I want to share my opinions on the subject.

Bearing and rearing children has come to be seen as life’s greatest good. Never mind that there are now enough abandoned children on the planet to make breeding unnecessary.

I don’t know if I can adequately express how much I disagree with Jong’s sentiments here. In my eyes, bearing and rearing children is life’s greatest good. The Romgi and I got married because we love each other and wanted to have a family together. We believe that “what matters most is family.” I know if you ask either of us, parenting is what brings us joy. Jong follows her “breeding unnecessary” remark with an attack on celebrities like Madonna and Angelina Jolie who have adopted children as a social statement or perhaps as fashionable accessories; the Romgi and I certainly didn’t have similar motives for having children of our own. Yes, we have plans to adopt at some point, but we also wanted to have children who are biologically ours. I have trouble understanding why that’s a bad thing.

A lot of Jong’s article addresses the judgment passed by others on our parenting. I do understand her point there. We should never make others feel inadequate; we don’t want others to make us feel inadequate. But she focuses on the societal pressure to parent a certain way, and that isn’t something I’ve ever felt or that I necessarily feel is even legitimate. All those sociology classes have made me think that while we may perceive pressure to behave one way or another, we have the choice in whether or not we feel guilt for ignoring that pressure. (I apologize for the poor wording. I’m still not quite back to full mental capacity.)

Is it even possible to satisfy the needs of both parents and children? . . . [P]arents change their lives to accommodate [their children]. In the absence of societal adjustment to the needs of children, parents have to revise their own schedules.

This is my other major disagreement with Jong. While I readily acknowledge that in order to maintain some sanity, mothers need to also define themselves as something other than mothers – a life outside their children – that balance has to remain a balance, not a me-first-mother-second attitude. The decision to have children is necessarily also a decision to put someone else’s needs first. That doesn’t mean you never consider your own needs; the Bwun gets nothing out of my blogging, and I am obviously not sitting and playing a game with him in his room as I write this. Likewise the Romgi and I spend time together without our kids. We are still ourselves. But as parents we learn to care for our children first, and to me that’s one of the central lessons of parenting: selflessness. I firmly believe that much of parenthood is designed to help us become more Christlike, more patient, more giving, more compassionate.

So do I think of myself in terms of Roni, or Ma? To me they are inseparable. I am both; I’m a better Roni because I am also Ma, and a better Ma because I am also Roni.

What do you think?

Sick day

I have the worst headache ever. Back to regular posting tomorrow.

No more Mondays!

Today is just not going the way I’d like. So you get to hear me complain (a little) about it.

I can’t sleep! I know this is no big surprise, but trust me, I would have waited longer – or forever – to have another kid if I had remembered pregnancy being like this. Blarg it’s so uncomfortable! All the Tylenol and hot baths in the world won’t help (trust me, I’ve tried). I have a lot of projects I’d like to work on, but not the energy to do them. So in the middle of the night I just get grouchy and fussy and pretty much like the Bwun when he doesn’t get enough sleep. We’re very alike sometimes.

The Bwun had a really long nap yesterday afternoon – it was almost 4 hours! Because of that, he went to bed much later than usual (normally he doesn’t take a nap at all). And for whatever reason, he got up earlier than usual this morning. I like to make the Romgi get the Bwun up in the morning, mainly because I hate mornings and the Romgi doesn’t. But the Romgi was enjoying a nice hot bath (trying to be like me?) and I don’t think he even heard the Bwun pounding on his door to be let out. (It is kind of cute. He’ll knock for a few seconds and then say, “Hello?” The process is repeated with the knocks turning into hammering – with the aid of a toy – until someone does let him out.) At any rate, the little sleep I got was interrupted by the sound of BANG BANG BANG “Hello?”

When I opened the Bwun’s door, he gave me a disgusted look and said, “Pa!” before marching off down the hallway to find the Romgi. Sigh.

Recently we’ve had some repairs around the house that need to be taken care of. Our landlord has a handyman, Norman, who we can call when there’s a problem. After a few weeks of putting it off, we finally got in touch with him this morning. The Romgi explained the situation and gave Norman my cell phone number so he could work out a time with me. (I’ve had trouble before with Norman dropping by unannounced to do repairs, and specifically indicated that I need a phone call beforehand so I know he’s coming.) Apparently Norman said he could take care of it “sometime today.”

I spent part of the morning cleaning up around the house (always a challenge when the Bwun is roaming free) and waiting to hear from Norman. I couldn’t really hop in the shower and hope he didn’t call, because last time I tried that – I put the volume on the phone all the way up – he actually came to our house unannounced again, and pounded on the door (like the Bwun!) until I got out of the shower, quickly dressed, and got to the door. (When I opened it he asked, “Is this a good time to come fix your shower?” No, Norman, it is not.) And I couldn’t leave to go run my errands because who knew when would be convenient for him to come do repairs? I was stuck, and grouchy.

In all of that, the Bwun managed to make a giant mess and find a pen to color on his new silver wall. Also, he fussed every time I talked to him, threw the food I gave him (the food he asked for!), and kicked when I changed his diaper. Kids! My goodness! I know the Bwun makes up for it in many ways…but today was just a challenge.

The rest of my day: I sobbed, talked (complained) to my mom, decided to have a bath anyway, and went to run errands. I figured if Norman called and was ready to come over, I’d just head home and finish the errands later. I wanted to get something frumpy and comfy to wear (read: muumuu), and we needed a few other things from the store; I need to start assembling the Bwun’s Halloween costume; and I have some letters to mail. And stamps to buy.

Can you believe that Target sells absolutely nothing frumpy? I suppose I should have gone to K-Mart or Walmart. I’ll just wait and get hand-me-downs from my sister-in-law, but it would have been nice to frump around the house today. The Bwun fell asleep in the car on the way to Target, which meant he got a 10-minute nap. He got mad at me for putting him back in the carseat once we were done shopping, so I skipped the other errands and just came home. He was too ornery to deal with in public.

Minutes after I got home, Norman called. He explained that he was just at our house but no one was there.

Blarg!!

(Fortunately he left the hardware we need to replace, and general instructions on how to do it. If we the Romgi can’t figure it out, Norman can come by tomorrow to do it.)

The Bwun is now in his room “napping.” I think he has a top molar coming in. He’s had several tantrums and time outs since we got home (it’s only been half an hour!) so I thought maybe he and I could both use a break. Even if he’s not sleeping, he’s being calm in his room, which is better than what he was like out here.

But the day will get better. Right? The Romgi will be home from class in an hour, and he’ll help me clean up the messes and make dinner and be a normal, happy person again. I just wish I had something frumpy to wear! It seems like the perfect thing for such a grumpy day.