Donate

Posted: August 13, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Social Contract, The Story of a Mother | 1 Comment

Yesterday I learned about a family whose oldest daughter was diagnosed with high risk leukemia in 2010, whose second daughter has faced unexplained medical challenges, and who just had a stillborn baby girl.

I know from experience how quickly the medical and funeral costs add up. On top of that, this family still has medical bills from the care of their older girls. Can you spare $10 for them? I’m skipping donuts this week and next, and using that money for a donation instead.

There are a lot of people reading this blog now that I don’t know personally. We’ve been blessed to have lots of financial help with Christian’s medical and funeral costs. I’ve talked in the past about how I believe one of the fundamental reasons for existence is to help each other – will you help? If you aren’t able to donate financially, please consider sharing a link to the fundraiser page. I want to see everyone rally around this family and validate my belief in the good of humanity.

Painful

Posted: August 2, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother | Leave a comment

My original due date was next Tuesday. In the past few weeks I’ve learned that a lot of my friends are expecting; most of the other moms who were due around the same time as me have had their babies or are about to, obviously. It’s so hard to be reminded of the hospital bag I’m not packing, the epidural I’m not getting, the blanket I’m not trying to swaddle, the tiny fingers I’m not holding, the stinky diapers I’m not changing, the healthy baby I’m not bringing home.

When I read a few books on grief after I learned that Christian wouldn’t live, they talked about many women feeling jealous and resentful toward other moms, especially moms with new babies. I didn’t understand that I really would feel like I’d be glad to be desperately uncomfortable in the last few weeks of pregnancy – glad to be going through a long labor with a healthy baby at the end – glad to be spending sleepless nights with a newborn.

This is still miserable.

Unmotivated

Posted: July 25, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: The Story of a Mother, War and Peace | Leave a comment

Every physical reminder I have of Christian fits into a box that sits on top of our piano. So sometimes I begin to wonder if I made the whole thing up. I was pregnant, right? Did this really happen? The world keeps going on, but it seems like I’m stuck dwelling on Christian’s death. Is that normal? Am I going crazy (again)? Should I have somehow gotten over it and moved on by now?

I feel suspended – unable to convince myself to be productive, or to be social, or to cope. Day after day passes by while I do nothing. I’ve had so many wasted days lately, and I certainly would rather be a normal person again but the motivation to even try just isn’t there. Instead I make occasional tiny efforts at keeping up with life, distract myself with books or painting or sleep or food (randomly, I have a newfound love of dry roasted peanuts and macadamia nuts), and keep . . . waiting. Waiting to feel better or just to feel willing to try feeling better.

I know: I ought to throw myself into something; once I start, I will feel a little bit better. Logic and depression just aren’t friends, though. I absolutely don’t want to do anything, except wait.

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