Year 1

In preparing for Christian’s birthday, I’ve tried hard to make it a positive experience. I want his birthday to be something that makes the world a better place, even if only briefly – because a year ago today, my world was destroyed. Something good should come out of that.

Last night I went to bed around 6pm. Yes, I was tired, but also I wanted to avoid thinking about today. In a lot of ways I still want to avoid it. While I planned Doubleplusgood Day I was excited – it’s a great way to commemorate Christian and to help me focus outward instead of just pitying myself. But today . . . today I want to curl up in a hole and be left alone. I want to shout that there’s nothing to celebrate because my son died, he’s gone, I haven’t gotten to see him learn to crawl or to wash him down after feeding him pureed carrots or to even hold him more than that one time. These are things I hoped Doubleplusgood Day would overcome, and I would feel so compassionate and charitable toward others that today didn’t hurt.

Taking a step back from my immediate emotions, though, I can see how much my grief has changed over the past year. I feel so much more normal than I could have dared hope! To a large extent, Christian’s death is a part of my life I’ve become accustomed to, and I go about my days in the regular sort of happy-frustrated-lonely-overwhelmed mix of a stay-at-home mom. I no longer experience the agonizing despair of postpartum + grief, my moments of sadness are fewer and further between, and those moments don’t last long. So I cross my fingers that although today might be filled with sad moments or loss and painful memories of last year, there will also be some service, some kind words from friends and family, some happiness. And cookies.

Remembering the past year

Will you do me a favor?

Let me know what you remember about how you’ve experienced Christian’s short life and his death. How has it affected you? What did you think or feel when you first read about the diagnosis or when you heard about his birthday?

I really want to feel like this is bigger than me.

Coming soon: Doubleplusgood Day

Christian’s birthday is a week from today.

I thought for a long time about how to make it a special day, something that would reach a lot of people and be meaningful. I got a lot of suggestions and decided on initiating Doubleplusgood Day.

Here’s how it works: you do a good deed on April 24. It can be big or small, for a friend or stranger, part of your daily routine or out of the ordinary. Then you tell me about it by commenting on a post (there will be another on April 24 for you to comment on), emailing me, sending a text or Facebook message, or visiting me in person. If you come to my house, you’ll get a doubleplusgood cookie and a temporary shark tattoo (like Jarom and I wore to the hospital when Christian was born) as a reward.

And I’ll write all of the good deeds down in a Doubleplusgood Day book, to which I can add every year.

If you want to do something else to celebrate Christian’s short life, or if you want to count this as your good deed, please consider donating to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I’ve mentioned them before – it’s an organization that provides free professional photography to families who lose a baby to stillbirth or neonatal death. Our photographer, Heather Ellis, took some beautiful pictures of Christian. She and the other photographers volunteer their time, so your donation helps run the organization and provide training to the volunteers.

So please, spread the word! I’d love for this to reach as many people as possible. Let’s make Christian’s birthday a great day that brings a little more kindness and happiness to the world.

xo Mika